In this blog, you’ll learn about the emotional habit of too much AIM + not enough FIRE, which is when HSPs think, reflect, ruminate, analyze, future-trip, and resign instead of actually taking decisive, effective action.

This habit involves a host of emotionally exhausting experiences like perfectionism, procrastination, imposter syndrome, analysis paralysis, etc. – all of which could have been done away with taking the next small step (like pressing SEND on that damn email you’ve been writing for 2 hours!).

Keep reading to learn more about why + how Highly Sensitive Persons get STUCK, why it’s important to take effective action, and the 3 simple steps HSPs can take to become more decisive and get out of this trap. 

This is Part 4 of a 4-part series on the Highly Sensitive Person’s emotional habits.

In Part 1 (The Highly Sensitive Person and the 3 Emotional Habits that Make Them Stumble), I talked about the emotional habits that (when overly done), really knock HSPs off balance in their personal, relational, and professional arenas:

1. Navel gazing (Part 2)

2. Absorbing others’ feelings (Part 3)

3. Too much AIM, not enough FIRE (Part 4)

These emotional habits are NOT bad traits, just double-edged swords. The issue isn’t that we do these things but that we get STUCK as if this is our only option. When we OVERLY do these even when that’s not what our current situation is asking for, we can end up creating some trouble.

The Need for both AIM + FIRE

Two Classes of People

In her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Dr. Elaine Aron describes two classes of people: the Warrior-Kings and the Priestly Advisors.

Warrior-Kings (non-HSPs):

• 80% of the population 

• See things in broad strokes

• Don’t bother with the details (they slow us down)

• Make quick, big, effective decisions on what’s the most IMPACTFUL 

• ACT before they THINK/FEEL (based on gut sense, instinct, or impulse)

• FIRE, then MAYBE think about whether that went well (if it doesn’t, whatever – moving on!)

Priestly Advisors (HSPs):

• 20% of the population 

• See the nuances and intricacies in each situation 

• Do pay attention to the details and read the fine-print 

• Take all the information and reflect upon what is the WISEST thing to do

• THINK/FEEL before they ACT (based on intuition, wisdom, past lessons, future predictions)

• AIM, then MAYBE act (there’s always something else to think about!)

One but Not the Other

We need BOTH classes for a well-functioning society that integrates all three: THINKING, FEELING, & DOING. If one part of that wheel is not working, the wheel won’t roll well.

Warrior-Kings >> Priestly Advisors 

However, in the United States (whose culture favors Warrior-Kings and individualism is the #1 value), Priestly Advisors (HSPs) are thrown into the dungeon because they (supposedly):

• “Whine” too much

• Are debbie downers

• Keep nitpicking over things that don’t matter

• Keep pointing out problems that aren’t problems (who cares what other people think??)

• Take too long

Our social context matters. It’s not that Priestly Advisors/HSPs are BAD, it’s just that we are minorities in an environment that isn’t hospitable to minorities.

But what’s the impact in a country that OVERLY favors Warrior-Kings?

• Other countries (rightfully) think we’re assholes, rude, brash

• No one wants to be on our team (because we take over and make ourselves the star player)

• We break things and don’t take responsibility for them

• We leave ruin in our wake

Priestly Advisors >> Warrior-Kings

This doesn’t mean that the opposite is automatically better. An example of a country that feels like HEAVEN for Highly Sensitive Persons (and infuriating for non-HSPs) is Japan.

In a place like Japan, where conscientiousness is the #1 social value, non-HSP Warrior-Kings are harshly judged because they are seen as:

• Too loud, too extreme 

• Selfish, inconsiderate

• Disrespectful of customs & traditions - things that hold society together 

• Destructive, messy, aggressive 

But what’s the impact in a country that OVERLY favors Priestly Advisors?

• Passive & passive aggressive 

• Some systems are completely outdated but it takes forever to update them 

• Things are done in a roundabout way (sometimes getting lost or forgotten in the process)

• The main agenda or action item is unclear (and thus up to many interpretations)

• Important things are hidden/concealed 

Time to Integrate

Again, neither class is inherently good or bad. What’s bad is when they’re polarized so much that it seems like there’s room enough for only one of them.

In the same way that it’s good for non-HSPs to acquire some HSP skills (e.g., developing higher EQ, learning cultural sensitivity, diversity & inclusion training, etc.), Highly Sensitive Persons also need to add some Warrior-King tools in our toolbox (like learning how to become more decisive and actually take action).

Instead of digging our heels on our ends and judging the other as being “TOO ________”, let us all take some steps towards the middle for all of our benefit.

Inaction + Indecision for
Highly Sensitive Persons

This is how inaction and indecision (Too Much AIM + Not Enough FIRE) show up for HSPs in:

Daily Life

• Obsessing about too many hypotheticals:

• What about this? That? 

• What happens if I do XYZ? ABC?

• How will I feel? How will the other person feel? 

• What if I mess up?

• What if I make a fool out of myself?

• What if they judge me?

• Analysis Paralysis – feeling lost, confused, and unsure about what to do or choose for even small things: 

• What to wear

• What to have for dinner

• What to do on the weekend

• How to talk to the other person (DO I talk to them?)

• Future-tripping - What if this one decision ruins the rest of my life? What if I need to deal with DEF that happens because of ABC that comes out of XYZ decision? 

• Constantly feeling backlogged, frazzled, and behind by the sheer number of decisions that need to be made on a daily basis

• Procrastination - Pushing off decisions because you feel too overwhelmed

• Avoidance - Letting things pile up, then further ignoring them 

Relationships 

• Freezing when asked about or invited to hangouts 

• Regret/Judgment - When the window of opportunity closes because you didn’t make a decision in time, spinning in shame (What’s wrong with me?? Why can’t I just _____?)

• Envying other people’s ability to be so carefree and decisive 

• The Text Vortex - Spending too much time crafting paragraph answers to simple questions over a text message. Getting more texts than you can (thoughtfully) reply to then getting overwhelmed. Having 30+ unread messages, then getting more because others are waiting for your response

• Withdrawing to your cave and ghosting people because of anxiety + shame 

Work

• Perfectionism - spending way too much time caught up in the details for fear of missing something or getting it wrong (which would expose you to judgment or criticism)

• Procrastination - Not knowing what to prioritize, and sometimes not starting tasks at all

• Feeling constantly behind at work

• Working harder than everyone else but never feeling like you’re making progress or like you’re doing a good job

• Impostor Syndrome - Never feeling like you’re good enough, questioning whether things are actually good (for fear of being caught off guard or being disappointed later)

• Comparisonitis - Seeing yourself as lesser than others because you seem to struggle so much and they seem to do things effortlessly 

• Resentment - Resenting other people who finish their work quickly + easily, getting frustrated in seeing other people who finish their work quickly + easily + sloppily but getting rewarded for it, seeing that the boss doesn’t care when here you are slaving away without acknowledgement 

Sound familiar? Want to finally become more decisive, get out of HSP decision paralysis, and take effective action?

3 Quick Steps for HSPs to Become More Decisive

The perks of summoning the Warrior-King mode, and cutting the Gordian knot in one fell swoop? 

• Simplicity

• Ease

• Efficacy

• Freedom 

• Strength 

• Rest & Relaxation

• Fun! 

But how exactly do you become more decisive and effective? Let’s learn from the non-HSPs brain!

Here are the 3 quick steps to get yourself out of decision paralysis:

1. What’s the BIG picture?

2. What’s the next SMALL step?

3. Keep tiny decisions TINY.

(1) What’s the BIG picture?

If you zoom out, pull yourself out of the weeds and see things from a bird's eye view (where individual details and people are invisible), what do you see?

• What’s the starting point?

• The destination?

• The quickest, most direct way to get there?

• 2 to 3 steps MAX (not 8-12) to get from Point A to Point E? 

• If you can’t narrow it down, two options:

• Borrow someone else’s brain, have them outline the steps (and pay attention to their train of thought so you can replicate)

• Write down the steps on strips of paper, throw them into a hat, then pull out 3.

(2) What’s the next SMALL step?

• What do you need to get to Point B (not C, D, or E)?
  2-3 subtasks MAX, no more than 15 min each

• When will you do it?
  (Pick a time – ANY time. Don’t try to choose an optimal time! You’re introducing more decision points.)

• DO IT.
  (Don’t think hard about it. If it’s about writing a blog, it’s not about getting it right, but getting it written.)

• Rinse & Repeat for subsequent steps.

If this sounds simple, it’s because it IS (you’re not crazy!). It’s SIMPLE but not EASY. 

If this feels HARD for you to do, it’s because it is! That’s not a problem, so no need to judge yourself. 

Beware of how your shame will suck you back into your navel gazing; keep OUTSIDE yourself, and keep going!

(3) Keep Tiny Decisions TINY!

Inaction IS an action. Read that again!

Every time you deliberate and NOT take action, you still pay many costs:

• Time

• Energy 

• Headspace

• Opportunities 

…but for little to no benefit. Just because you don’t make a decision doesn’t mean that nothing is happening. Something is happening, but probably NOT the thing you want. 

Sometimes, SOMETHING is better than NOTHING. DONE is better than GOOD, because at least you’re now freed up to be present for something (anything!) else.

Practice keeping some decisions small, light, and easy. This itself is a muscle to exercise. Otherwise, you’re going to overcomplicate things unnecessarily.

There are definitely decisions in life that require Priestly Advisor-level of thoughtfulness. It’s just that it’s likely, at best, 20% of all that you deal with. 

(I’m not making this up – this is called the Pareto Principle: for many situations, 80% of consequences come from 20% of causes (aka the “vital few”).)

Until you learn how to summon the Warrior-King more readily for yourself, it’s totally okay for you to bring on more support. (No shame – do NOT take this as a sign of weakness or failure. It takes wisdom to discern your needs & limitations.)

To simplify things for the time being, use the app called Tiny Decisions (iOS + Android) for daily decisions or non-essential choices like:

• What to eat

• What to do (activity)

• What task to do first (chores)

• Where to go for vacation

• What movie to watch

(Imagine just how much stressful fighting with your loved ones you can avoid just from SOMEONE (someTHING!) making the decision for where y’all go to eat.)

IMPORTANT

Whenever you use this app or go with someone else’s choice, you are deliberately relinquishing your decision-making ability and all the outcomes that come with it.

If that outcome is negative, you do NOT get to complain. Take this as a signal that you definitely NEED to make your own decisions yourself! 

Otherwise, you’re setting up the other person to be (rightfully) resentful. If you choose NOT to choose, you are opting out of complaining about it. Take responsibility for your decision to not make decisions.

Take Decisive Action - aka AIM and FIRE

Like a Warrior-King sword, sometimes it is just about taking quick, decisive, effective action. 

Make decisions ONE AT A TIME. Save the later THINKING/FEELING AFTER you do the DOING.

These 3 steps take less than 5 minutes! No more getting tangled or lost in overcomplicated decisions!

1. What’s the BIG picture?

2. What’s the next SMALL step?

3. Keep tiny decisions TINY

Then reap the rewards of being free and light. Go have fun! (and use the app as needed!)

Other Emotional Habits of Highly Sensitive Persons

The 3 emotional habits that trip up Highly Sensitive Persons in our personal, relational, or professional arenas are:

1. Navel gazing (Part 2)

2. Absorbing others’ feelings (Part 3)

3. Too much AIM, not enough FIRE (Part 4)

Pick one of these to try for 3 months, then pick another habit to grow beyond!

The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit

Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?

Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!

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Other Blogs on Highly Sensitive Persons

© Copyright 2023 Joanne Kim. All rights reserved.

Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator

Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower! 

They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall. 

They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').

Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.

The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,

"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"

Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.

Join the waitlist here and you’ll get details fresh off the press!