Build Self-esteem with a Fuck-it List
If you’re like me and often do according to what you think you SHOULD instead of what you WANT, here’s a fun exercise to help you step into your worth and power.
No more waiting until everyone else’s needs have been cared for.
No more justifying why you SHOULDN’T or CAN’T do what you want.
No more minimizing yourself and believing, “It’s not about me.”
It’s not ALWAYS about you, but it’s also not NEVER about you.
It’s SOMETIMES about you. And that’s a good thing, because you also matter and get to take up space in this world.
What’s a Fuck-it List?
You might have heard of a “Bucket List”: a list of all the major things you want to do before you “kick the bucket” (die).
Like sky diving. Or backpacking through South America.
People use this to create grand goals for their lives.
Good intent, but not so great impact. Why? Because in NOT checking things off the list, many of us judge ourselves as failures or “COULD HAVE BEENs”. We might actually feel WORSE after creating a Bucket List.
(Here’s another alternative called the Reverse Bucket List to remedy that.)
A “Fuck-it List” is similar in that it’s a list of things you WANT to do, but it’s different in that it’s smaller in scale and is something you have access to RIGHT NOW.
Doesn’t have to be epic - actually, it’s better if it’s NOT so that it’s easier to actually do.
It could be something like getting Cherries Jubilee ice cream for yourself even though everyone else in your family hates it.
(They can get their own fucking ice cream if they really want it. No one is making them eat yours.)
You’re also not doing these Fuck-it List items to PROVE YOURSELF or be a “cooler”, “better”, “more desirable” person, but are doing it BECAUSE you’re ALREADY WORTHY as you are.
Why does this matter?
Because YOU matter.
A “Fuck-it List” is about INDIVIDUALITY and BOUNDARIES. It’s a way for you to connect with yourself, recognize that you ALSO matter, and that you’re a distinct person who DESERVES to have your own wants, needs, and choices - just like everyone else.
This list is for you if you ever skipped or missed a chance to be a kid or teen because you had to grow up too quickly to be safe or stay connected to loved ones, spending a great deal of your life placating or people pleasing.
Your growth and healing process involves experiences of REBELLION and ANGER, which are about advocating on behalf of yourself. (It’s not really about rebelling, but about individuating, though others might not see it that way. That’s okay - they can think what they’d like.)
Anything you were told you CAN’T or SHOULDN’T do (because of OTHER PEOPLE’S bullshit issues they didn’t deal with), put it on the Fuck-it List.
*Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you to yell at your parents or give them the birdie. This is about you showing up for YOU, not you going against THEM.
How to Make a Fuck-it List
This is pretty simple step-wise, but emotionally difficult for some. No worries! Do your best, take your time, no self-judgment.
On a piece of paper (or in your phone notes section), write down your answers to the questions:
(1) What is something that you’ve WANTED to do but PUT ON HOLD or SET ASIDE because you:
Felt like or told you “shouldn’t”
Felt like you need to focus on or take care of other people
Told yourself it’s “too childish” or “selfish”?
(2) What’s something you WANT to do JUST BECAUSE you want to?
Don’t filter your answers - write every single thing down, in no particular order, until you have nothing left to write.
Hint: some of these things were hobbies you did as a kid but “grew” out of it against your will.
Here are some of my examples:
Buy a stuffed animal
Get a tattoo
Take a spontaneous day off
Learn how to make cocktails
Sign up for a taiko class
Go to a movie theatre by myself
Go to the arcade
It doesn’t have to be anything that you’re good at. Remember, you’re not trying to PROVE yourself to anyone (even yourself), but to HAVE FUN and do something you LIKE. Even do a thing you suck at on purpose!
Pressure’s OFF, pleasure’s ON.
It doesn’t matter whether anyone else likes it or is available. Practice solitude (enjoying your own company), which is one of the 5 S’s of self-care for HSPs, btw.
This doesn’t have to be a final list - you’re welcome to add or amend it as you go.
Cross it off!
Once you’ve got a list for now, pick ONE to do sometime in the next month.
See what that’s like, and how you feel about yourself afterwards.
Initially, you might feel guilt or embarrassment, but that’s okay. You’re not going to feel “BAD” forever. It’ll take some getting used to, but I promise you - it’s worth it.
It is a GOOD THING for all of us to reconnect with our inner children and a playful, innocent, carefree spirit.
If others look at you funny or judge you, that’s not about YOU, it’s about THEM. Repressing our own desires does NOT give us the right to judge others for engaging in theirs.
Rather, the work to be done is in giving ourselves PERMISSION, freedom, and encouragement to give ourselves the space we so readily give others.
Perhaps others also to do their own fucking work (and also to make their own Fuck-it List).
Go have fun! And tell me all about it: hello@intelligentemotions.com.
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© Copyright 2023 Joanne Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.