Stop Stuffing Anger! 3 Areas of Your Life That Take the Blow
The biggest mistake that Highly Sensitive Persons and women make is to bury our rightful anger!!
In this post, I talk about how stuffing anger actually COSTS you and negatively affects three important areas of your life.
Read on to learn 3 quick ways to honor yourself by learning from the powerful animal: the LION!
But first, let me tell you a story about anger…
SCARED of Anger
Confession: I am a recovering ANGER-AVOIDER. Even as a grown-ass adult, I still cowered whenever I encountered this raw energy, whether in others or in myself.
Part of that was because of actual messages I absorbed growing up around other people. I took on lotsa social messages about how anger is BAD because I’m a woman, BAD because I’m Christian, BAD because I’m supposed to be a quiet Asian, whatever.
By virtue of being a caring, compassionate type, I also swore off anger so that I don’t hurt others. (Bust that myth here!!)
Social reasons aside, another huge reason I was terrified of anger was because I felt super uncomfortable with the BODY SENSATIONS that came with it.
Anger felt like a burning fire inside my chest, a sensation that felt dangerous.
What happens if that fire totally takes over and I lose my shit??
I had tons of other issues with my own body, feeling super self-conscious, hating being seen, and even dressing in baggy clothes to HIDE myself.
Any body experience (even walking fast, talking loudly, or taking up physical space) seemed to go the opposite direction, so I stopped those, too.
…and to my detriment in all the ways.
Because I stuffed my anger,
I had difficulties falling + staying asleep.
I literally broke a tooth from all the jaw clenching.
I made myself small in relationships and work, dismissing my presence + power.
I burned bridges (even with my own bridesmaid) by ghosting people when issues came up.
I felt buried under a ton of work because I didn’t want to rock the boat, speak up for myself, or asked for what I needed.
BURYING my anger was the #1 emotional mistake I made…
RECONNECTING with that very anger was the #1 best step I took that supercharged my healing + growth journey.
Keep reading to find out how stuffing your anger actually COSTS you, and 3 quick + easy ways you can integrate it back into your life!!
STUFFING Anger
If you keep rejecting your anger, these are the potential consequences in different arenas of your life:
Personal
Lost time, energy, and opportunities because you’re preoccupied keeping it all in without actually doing anything about it
Strain on your body (muscle aches, heartburn, tension headaches)
Increased shame (bc you disconnect with your own power + have less chances to experience how you’re actually already worthy)
Relational
Missed opportunities to actually address issues (it COULD HAVE been resolved if it had been brought to the surface)
You have inaccurate perceptions of the other person (who knows - they might actually be OKAY with your anger, or not even register it as such!)
They have inaccurate perceptions of you (e.g., that you’re okay when you’re not, that you don’t have opinions of your own, that you’re lazy/weak/fragile, etc.)
Professional
Working extra hard (or getting extra stressed) because you’re making up for dumb systems you’re scared to bring up to coworkers or managers
Growing resentment towards coworkers who could afford to slack off because you’re picking up their slack, fixing their mistakes, or cleaning up after them
More work from coworkers or managers who think that these things are super easy for you precisely because you get the job done, maybe even thank you for it naively! If only they knew how much harder you work to get it all done, your manager might have given less tasks to you to begin with
The POWER of Anger
When you realize that anger is not a bad emotion, and you DO tap into its power, you ALREADY have access to:
Personal
Anger helps you build an accurate sense of yourself: You are no lesser or greater than who you actually are, and no lesser or greater than others.
Anger clarifies your values + focuses your attention so that you can invest your precious energy + resources on what matters the most to you.
Anger builds your confidence + practice to make CHANGE happen for the better!
Relational
Anger communicates how much YOU FUCKING MATTER, TOO!
Anger helps reveal the truth that what’s happening in your relationship is NOT OKAY: imbalance, one-sided, taken for granted, mistreated, etc.
Anger helps REPAIR the relationship by holding accountable the party who caused the injury, revising the relationship to have enough room for the BOTH of you, or to protect it from outside forces.
Professional
Anger helps close the gap between ideal and actual: make expectations and goals more realistic so that they are more (sustainably) attainable.
Anger helps focus the company’s attention + resources on the original mission, not wasting time with outdated, ineffective, or inefficient systems.
Anger helps protect you (and others!) from being mistreated, used, and abused by challenging inappropriate workplace dynamics (Whistleblowing keeps those in power in check!!)
Tapping Into Your Own Power of Rage
Sometimes it helps to have a clear picture of what we are to embody. Who’s a great representative of the POWERFUL, GLORIOUS nature of ANGER?
The LION.
Here are three low-hanging fruit alternatives to stuffing your anger by summoning your INNER LION (don’t worry, I’m not gonna tell you to go yell at your boss)!!
(1) BREATHE like a LION.
I’m totally a BREATH-HOLDER. When I get stressed, I often forget to breathe. When I’m NOT OKAY about something, I tend to spend long hours in the fetal position, breathing shallow breaths while stewing + brewing about whatever (whoever) is upsetting me.
The issue with this approach is that:
I feel VENOMOUS
The venom is STUCK INSIDE of me.
I might be upset with something that someone else has done - namely THEIR bullshit is costing ME, and I’M carrying the negative effects of THEIR decisions, even energetically in my body.
GET THAT SHIT OUT OF YO’ SYSTEM!!
Why should YOU continue to suffer because of THEM??
One free, quick, & easy way to do this is to the LION’S BREATH:
BREATHE OUT.
BREATHE LOUDLY.
I picked this up from yoga, and it’s been super helpful in releasing my tension + stress and expelling pent-up feelings + negative energy.
Try this out:
Take a deep breath + focus on what’s upsetting you.
Eyes open wide, exhale forcefully while sticking out your tongue (“HAAAAAAA!”)
The outwardly expressive nature of this type of breathing can help you feel more powerful and more in (self) control.
*NOTE: This is a short-term solution to prevent you from bottling in your anger to the point that it further costs your body. Depending on what’s upsetting, you might actually have to TAKE ACTION to CHANGE THE ACTUAL SITUATION that’s upsetting, not use this breathing technique to build your bullshit-tolerance.
(2) GLARE like a LION.
You might already know that your emotions affect your body posture. It’s a lesser known truth that the opposite is also the case: your body posture affects your feelings.
I kid you not! Glaring straight ahead, head tilted down, brow furrowed, nose in snarl gets you in touch with anger REAL easily, even if you weren’t quite feeling angry before.
Eye position-wise, we are all too familiar with looking everywhere else BUT straight ahead. We avoid eye contact by looking down, up, and away, which unintentionally signals to the offending party that this is now THEIR dominion and they have access to do as they please.
We compassionate, caring types have been socially trained to NEVER show up in this way. We are told to plaster our faces with smiles (or at least not show any feelings) lest we be called BITCHY.
But would you judge animals for snarling if something is upsetting them? You might be scared of animals who are aggressive, but if a cat is hissing because you’re cornering it, that’s on YOU for bothering it. The CAT isn’t bad - you’re the one who’s out of line (at least in its eyes).
So why is it that we treat ourselves as lesser than animals? Why do we judge ourselves as being BAD when we show anger?
Even animals know STARING STRAIGHT AHEAD to be a power stance that gets others to BACK THE FUCK OFF bc they’re not to be messed with. Those who are in a submissive position tend to make themselves smaller and look away.
There is no “BAD” or “AGGRESSIVE” with looking straight ahead. It does NOT mean you’re going to attack them, but it DOES mean that you’re NOT going to tolerate their bullshit and WILL respond if further provoked.
It’s a warning sign for the offender to know their place, which is NOT in your space.
DISCLAIMER: Reality IS unkind to those who have been historically suppressed, it might not always be practically or physically safe for you to actually express your (rightful) anger. Please exercise caution and wisdom to discern the potential ramifications of you challenging those who claim power.
I NEVER encourage those who are currently in physically dangerous situations to practice boundaries and assertiveness explicitly (you know your position better than I do)…at least not yet.
I do tell them to channel their rightful anger to actually plan strategically + take concrete steps to ensure their safety.
One way to do so is to keep their inner fire of anger burning. DON’T PUT OUT THE ANGER — this will lead to RESIGNATION, keeping you further trapped in detrimental situations.
You can stoke the fire even when you’re safe + alone. The next time you’re stewing on something that’s upsetting, scrunch your nose + brows and pierce the wall with your gaze.
Remind yourself with the message of anger: that this situation is FUCKING NOT OKAY, and it NEEDS TO CHANGE ASAP!
Even better if you pair this LION’S STARE with LION’S BREATH!
(3) MOVE like a LION!
We often see anger for its END RESULT, not its ONGOING PROCESS. We judge anger because some people FUCKED UP and wielded it POORLY.
Anger helps us tap into our inherent life force. As an EMBODIED emotion, it helps us live the FULLEST of life.
Anger is meant to be an ACTIVE, VIBRANT, FORWARD-MOVING emotion. It’s not meant to be TRAPPED in your body like a cesspool, festering into something entirely different.
Anger is like FIRE (ever-shifting) or like WATER (ever-flowing).
And thus we must allow anger to be how it’s meant to be: DYNAMIC.
“Dynamic”: characterized by constant change, activity, or progress. From the Greek word dunamis which means POWER. (Think dynamite!!)
Tap into this power through your own BODY. Help your nervous system release tension with any body movement that involves:
PUSH/PULL (ex. pushing your hands togethers or against the wall, pulling against metal bars)
CHANGE (ex. working with clay)
DECONSTRUCTION (ex. ripping cabbage or phone book, breaking carrots)
EXPANSION (ex. taking up space on the couch or bed)
RESISTANCE (ex. lifting weights, walking uphill)
Step Forth With Your Own Power
By summoning your inner lion regularly with these three steps, you are building new muscle memory (even literally) as an EMPOWERED AGENT OF CHANGE, not just someone who’s passively at the mercy of life’s whims or on the receiving end of someone else’s actions!
Don’t just TAKE SHIT – MAKE SHIT HAPPEN!!
You are WORTHY, you are INFLUENTIAL, you are BOLD. Like a LIONESS, step forth with your rightful authority + power over your own life!!
It’s time to keep the fire ALIVE!
You’re definitely not the only one who’s nervous about your anger. Let’s do this together!
The BIG Feelings Chart
Not sure what to do when any of the BIG 5 Feelings show up?
Want to know what each of them mean about what you need?
Grab this free PDF chart that shows you what to do with MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, & NUMB!
Ready to keep the fire ALIVE? It starts with a pin.
Other Blogs on Anger
© Copyright 2023 Joanne Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.