How to Be Assertive: Two Quick Tips
The Value of Assertiveness in Relationships
Many of the people I work with (myself included) have trouble being assertive in relationships.
We tend to focus our connections on empathy and meeting the needs of others, but that focus on the other OVER the self can really impact the relationship and yourself.
Such a dynamic is what Kim Scott calls “Ruinous Empathy,” a dynamic that takes empathy so far that the relationship no longer has room for the self. Such relationships cultivate resentment and lead to easy burnout. (You can read more about Ruinous Empathy in my blog post on Radical Candor.)
Practicing assertiveness is a tool for building BALANCED relationships where both YOU and OTHERS matter. So how to be assertive in relationships?
Two Quick Tips to Be Assertive
Tip #1 to Practice Assertiveness :
Use the Sentence:
I am open to “____”; I am not open to “____.”
One way to be assertive is to use the sentence, "I am open to 'blank;' I am not open to 'blank.'"
Sometimes, when someone else makes a request or a demand of us, we might find ourselves feeling stuck between the options of:
Saying YES, going along with their demand or request, OR
Saying NO, where we're in the position of rejecting.
So, the template, "I am open to blank, I'm not open to blank," provides an alternative option.
An example is if someone asks, "Hey, can we go to San Francisco and do X Y Z things." I might not be up to that because I tend to have low energy, so I may say, "Hey, I'm open to grabbing coffee for a couple of hours with you; I'm not open to spending the whole day in SF." That might be enough.
Instead of you being in a position of going with the other person's request exactly as it is or denying their request completely, you pitch a THIRD OPTION.
Now, there's room for negotiation here, and that's totally okay. The idea is that you're not stuck in an all-or-nothing arrangement.
The converse can happen as well when you're making a request to someone else, and they're in a position of saying yes or no. If they say no, you can follow up with, "Well, what are you available to do?" You give them an opportunity to speak for themselves.
That way, you don't just have two options. It opens up that conversation.
Tip #2 to Practice Assertiveness:
Don’t Over-Explain
The second way of being assertive is to NOT over-explain yourself.
Now, if you're like me and a lot of people that I work with, we tend to feel bad about putting forth our needs. Btw, that’s one of the habits of Highly Sensitive People.
We feel guilty, or we're scared that the other person may say no or get mad, and when we finally muster up the courage to make a request, we provide this lengthy explanation as to why that request needs to happen or why it's a good idea.
It's totally understandable why people might feel the need to over-explain. The downside is the more you explain yourself, the more you actually dilute down the effect of your request. You water it down. So, sometimes, when you over-explain, the listener may have a harder time keeping track of what your initial request is.
An example might be instead of saying, "I'm not available on Friday,” you say something like, "I'm not available on Friday because I need to go to the grocery store because I need to gather all this food to prepare because my in-laws are coming tomorrow and they have high expectations.” The other person is like, well, that's way more information than I needed.
The over-explanation might not be necessary, and sometimes it's just generally good practice, especially if you have a hard time with boundaries, to hold back on sharing more than is actually concretely necessary for the question at hand.
The main question is, "Are you available on Friday or not?" So, instead of over-explaining yourself, stick to the point. Stick to the action item saying, "I am available on Friday," or "I'm not available on Friday," and notice how often you over-explain and see what tends to happen in those conversations.
More likely, the other person you're talking to may feel or sense that you are more defensive or insecure because, in effect, you're kind of backtracking.
State the request very clearly or state the boundary very clearly. You don't owe anyone an explanation for anything, for any of your decisions.
If you happen to be interacting with someone who tends to push boundaries, like they say, "Well, why?" Well, that might actually be a reflection of them being a less safe person than you thought they were, and that might be a signal for you to start dialing back for that very reason.
If you're interacting with someone who demands to know the very reasons or justifications for your actions, that's kind of a sign that they don't really respect you all that much.
So, to develop respect, instead of giving more of yourself, you give them less access to you; that's generally a good practice.
Being Assertive in Your Connections
So, in summary, there are two quick ways of being assertive.
One is for you to say the sentence, "I am open to XYZ; I am not open to W."
The second one is to watch when you over-explain yourself and practice dialing back.
You don't have to do a full 180; just practice dialing back 5% and then see what happens.
Sometimes, people might be okay with a simple yes or no. We don't know.
So, go test out these assertiveness tips and see how they might improve your relationships.
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Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.