Feeling SCARED: Fear as the Emotion of Sizing Up
Feeling Scared?
The emotion of fear is meant to help us project into the future and consider what might happen so that we can size up to see whether or not we're able to rise to the challenges ahead.
When we are feeling scared, the emotion of fear is meant to prompt us to see which is BIGGER:
Are the challenges bigger?
Are my abilities bigger?
Are the resources and the support I have bigger?
And so, fear as a fourth BIG emotion (find out more about others here) can actually provide for us a chance to cultivate wisdom. This is wisdom that tells us:
When to GO
When to STOP
And when to GO GET GAS (get help!)
The main questions for you to consider are:
Right now, do I have all that I need to rise to the challenge ahead?
If not, what do I need to do right now to get what I need so I can then go rise to the challenge?
Three Future Projections
The issue with the emotion of fear is that there are three different kinds of future projections that we make that people tend to mix up. When we get these mixed up, we don't always respond in a way that's actually helpful.
Usually, what happens when there's that mix-up is that people fall into the FEAR SPIRAL, where it kind of escalates, and then people shut down. This is also known as "analysis paralysis."
Alternatively, there's a way that we perceive ourselves to be LESS than capable than we ACTUALLY ARE, and that is also known as the "Impostor Syndrome." The main thing to know for now is that these future projections have very specific, concrete action items for us to do so that we can deal with our actual situation versus the way that we make it up in our minds.
The three future projections are:
Possibility
Probability
Certainty
Do you often struggle with procrastination, analysis paralysis, and impostor syndrome? Learn how to aim AND fire (aka take effective action!)
Possibility: Use the HEAD
In the realm of POSSIBILITY is where a certain event—positive or negative—might happen.
An example is that I might be rejected if I put myself out there. Well, the thing with possibility is that it might happen, it might not happen, and the RANGE of those possibilities is within 1%-99%. (0% and 100% are within the realm of certainty.) So, in the realm of possibility, it's a WIDE RANGE of different outcomes where we can spend and waste a lot of our precious energy, time, money, heartache, headache, our social credit, etc. in something that might not ever actually materialize.
The main thing for us to do when we're in that territory is to use our HEADS and check the data if you're considering whether something is in the wrong possibility. Ask yourself, “Am I considering all the data points that are out there if I'm thinking, ‘Oh, I might get rejected if, you know, I put myself out there.’" That's within the realm of possibility, but am I also considering all those people who won't reject me or will actually be super excited and supportive?
So considering the data means that we're taking all the RELEVANT, important information available and we're putting them on a LEVEL playing field. We're not picking and choosing which data points we like better than others and which ones we want to kind of dismiss to the side. When it comes to, let's say, a supposed fear like, “I might get rejected,” the other part is for you to consider. Well, that might not happen, so it'd be important to prepare yourself for both of those scenarios whether it happens or not. You can ask yourself questions like:
What would I do if I actually succeed? What would I do if I actually don't fail?
What would I do if I DO get rejected? What if I DON’T?
Consider BOTH sides — be fair! When you're thinking about something that's within the realm of possibility, you want to think about how much of your precious resources you're expanding on mobilizing your forces. If there's no indicator that it's likely going to happen (which leads us into our second future projection), then you might be wasting a lot of your energy on something that might not actually happen.
If you find yourself in a pattern where you're gearing up for something that you're just kind of waiting for or you're holding your breath, consider the long-term effects of what it's like for you to hang out in the realm of possibility.
Sometimes you decide, "You know what? It MIGHT happen, it might NOT happen. I don't know.
Do I think that my time, my energy is worth it to invest towards a thing that may not actually come to pass?
You know what? Maybe I'll gamble that. The opposite scenario might happen, but I'll wait and cross that bridge when I get there.”
Probability: Use the HANDS
This is about waiting until something that's within possibility may come to become a probability, so instead of something possibly happening or thinking that something might happen, might not happen, waiting to see whether it's likely to happen, this is where you gather enough data that seems to indicate, yes this supposed event that you're anticipating for; it's better than a coin toss—greater than a 50/50 chance.
Then what you use instead of your head is now your HANDS. So the action that's required is for you now is to seek preparation, go gather all the resources that you think you need.
For example, if an exam is coming up, then you probably need to read your books, you need to study, you need to make cheat sheet notes, you need to do things to prepare yourself for the anticipated event. Now, for some things, you can do a whole lot of preparation, and it's still not enough for you to feel confident to actually do the thing, so in that case, what you need is NOT more preparation, but actually more PRACTICE.
Some things you learn by doing. For example, a lot of people who work with me don't have a whole lot of experience with anger, and they're trying to read all these books and listen to all these podcasts to try to know how to do anger well. You might actually have to practice being angry and learn on the fly—make mistakes and learn from them as you go—for you to actually feel more and more confident to take an even bigger challenge up ahead.
So preparation, practice, and the last one for you to do to rise the challenge is for you to GATHER PEOPLE. There may be some challenges that lie ahead where it's not a good idea for you to do it on your own; that's okay.
For example, I am a therapist by profession and I know a good amount about how to do business-y things, but I'm not gonna bother trying to spend a lot of time and energy trying to do taxes by myself. Can I do it? Possibly. Do I want to do it? Not really. I've determined that it's just not worth it, so the people that I would connect with would be a bookkeeper, a CPA, maybe a financial planner, so that I can take care of myself and maintain being financially steady.
Certainty: Use the HEART
The last future projection is in the REALM of CERTAINTY. This projection is where—with absolute certainty—that something will happen.
Now, you may have heard the quote that you know, "There's nothing certain in life except death and taxes." So those are two examples. Well, if you also have something like a medical diagnosis of a terminal illness, there are some things that it's kind of guarantee that something is going to happen. Or you receive a letter from the college that you apply to—the outcomes are that either you will get in or you won't get it after you receive the letter. It's in the realm of certainty; it's not in probability or possibility anymore.
When you're in certainty, you don't engage your head anymore. You don't engage your hands anymore. Because you're already in, you already know what's going to happen, that is when you engage your HEART. And it's important for us to engage all of our beings, so when we're engaging our heart, we're supposed to seek out and give to ourselves sometimes validation, comfort, and courage when you're dealing with it—doesn't matter if it's good or bad.
Sometimes people usually think only about negative experiences needing comfort and validation, but sometimes positive experiences (like success) may actually require for the person to give themselves more room to be in their emotions. So go out and ask your close friend to share with them your experiences and hear from that other person—validation that yes, this is a big thing, you're not making it up in your head, you're not imagining it. It's important to get that mirror feedback so that you can consolidate your own perceptions to see if it's accurate or not when we're dealing with something that's much bigger than ourselves, and we know that it's an absolute certainty sometimes.
People just need a lot of comfort. We can't fix anything about that situation, our close loved ones can't fix anything about the situation, but we CAN receive comfort. The word comfort literally means "strength." Gain strength to withstand the experience, and sometimes there are things for us to step forward in a way, and that's where we go and receive the last thing that emboldens ourselves in our hearts is to receive courage. With fear—in assessing and sizing up these future challenges—it is not a requirement for us to wait until the fear goes away for us a step ahead. Sometimes, that emotion is still going to hang around, and we need to step forth anyway, and that is what the role of courage is.
Assess your Fear
The issue is not whether or not you are feeling scared, but rather fear is an invitation for you to assess what kind of situation you are dealing with.
Are you dealing with it in the realm of POSSIBILITY, PROBABILITY, or CERTAINTY? Because each of those things requires a specific response.
When you find yourself feeling nervous about whatever's coming up, don't beat yourself up about it, and if you hear someone else having a lot of anxiety about a situation or about their relationships, don't reject them, don't criticize them. That fear is actually meant to prompt something, and as I mentioned earlier, we want to engage all aspects of ourselves.
Our responses to life are supposed to be made up of feeling, thinking, and doing. It's all three. Otherwise, the wheel doesn't roll. Find out what kind of challenge you're dealing with or what kind of projection you have so that you know what to do in response.
Need more resources about fear & anxiety? Find them here.
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Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.