How to Grow in Empathy in Your Relationships
Rejecting Emotions makes them LOUDER
What do you do when someone you love is in pain?
Seeing a loved one in emotional distress can be just as difficult as swimming in the emotions yourself.
In seeing their pain, you might find yourself feeling trapped, powerless, or scared. It can be tempting to stop their feelings by saying things like,
“It’s not a big deal.”
“At least something good happened.”
“Calm down.”
More often than not, this backfires, because the other feels invalidated, dismissed, or alone, which only amplifies their pain and their emotions.
We are not meant to deal with pain alone. Even if someone else - be it person or pet - doesn’t do anything to what’s causing the pain, their mere presence is enough to soothe our nervous system.
What’s this look like?
Cori Doerffeld illustrates this in her storybook, The Rabbit Listened.
Watch the video reading:
What do you do when someone’s in pain?
Which animals sound familiar to you? Which ones do you tend to summon when loved ones are in pain?
Chicken - talk, talk, talk
Bear - yell or get angry
Elephant - fix it
Hyena - laugh it off
Ostrich - hide and ignore it
Kangaroo - throw it out, move on
Snake - spread the pain
Rabbit - listen and join with the other wherever they’re at
What tends to happen AFTERWARDS? Do things often get better, worse, or stay the same?
“But I meant well…”
Note that nothing that the other animals brought up was bad (yes, even the snake’s: it’s okay to not want to feel like you’re the only one hurting).
In fact, everything that each animal was trying to get Taylor to do (talking about it, getting angry, laughing, problem-solving, etc.) were things that Taylor eventually ended up doing anyway. The issue was that they were dealing with Taylor’s situation for how THEY felt about it, not how HE was feeling about it.
In doing so, they missed him: though they meant well, they were more focused on themselves, and he felt more alone. This is misattunement.
What is Attunement?
It’s when one is able to be willingly present and engaged with another for whatever experience the latter is having. It’s the ability to voluntarily join another in their mess.
The turning point in the story was when the Rabbit sat closely beside Taylor through HIS feelings, giving him freedom to go through whatever experience he was having at each moment without judgment or reactivity. It was much easier for Taylor to process through his pain in various forms because through each of them, he experienced the Rabbit’s tender, validating presence.
By listening, the Rabbit spoke these words very loudly: You matter. Period.
Taylor knew he wasn’t alone and wasn’t bad for having big feelings, because that’s just where he was at. He knew he was okay, even when things were not okay.
How to Grow in Empathy
So how can you summon the Rabbit the next time your loved one is hurting?
If they directly say how they’re feeling, reflect back their emotions by saying, “You feel ________ because ________.”
If they don’t say how they’re feeling, say, “I’m wondering if you’re feeling _________. Is that right?”
Ask them, “How can I care for you right now?” If they answer with “I don’t know,” respond by saying, “That’s okay. I’ll stay close as you find out what you’re needing.”
Keep in mind the acronym WAIT: “Why Am I Talking?” When we start talking, it can often have the effect of pulling the attention away from them and onto ourselves.
Pay attention to your body language and tone of voice. “Listen with your eyes; speak with your heart.” (Shrewsbury)
Why is it So Hard to Have Empathy?
You may find yourself having trouble summoning the Rabbit because the other animals keep getting in the way. You might also feel especially stressed when you’re in the presence of specific “difficult” emotions like anger, sadness, anxiety, or numbness. Seeing those emotions may stir up a knee-jerk reaction within you.
Your loved ones’ emotions may elicit some very painful emotions within you (your own anxiety, anger, numbness), indicating that you too have legitimate needs worth attending to.
How can you attend to your own experiences (by perhaps getting a Rabbit for yourself) so that you are more freed up to join loved ones in theirs?
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