YOU MATTER, TOO! Reclaim Your Rightful Power and Smash the Shame Cage!
“I’m not worthy.”
This is the core belief that’s at the heart of the various struggles people bring to me, struggles like:
Burnout
Perfectionism
Comparisonitis
Imposter syndrome
Depression + anxiety
Relationship problems
Professional stagnation
The belief “I’m not worthy” (or its cousin “I’m not enough”) leads people to:
NOT go for what they want & need
NOT stand up for themselves
NOT pursue healthy relationships but settle for less
NOT pursue opportunities
…but SETTLE FOR LESS because LESS is all they (supposedly) deserve.
I’ve been there, done that…and now I'm SO DONE WITH THAT.
Once I realized that many of my ailments were OF MY OWN MAKING because of a faulty core belief, I hauled ass to reverse this vicious cycle into a virtuous one.
Nowadays, everything I do stems from these beliefs:
“I am worthy because I’m human, just like everybody else.”
“I am ENOUGH enough.”
“I’m not perfect, but I’m good enough.”
“80% done is good enough to move ahead.”
“But what if it’s TRUE that ‘I’m not worthy’?”
First of all…how do you KNOW this to be TRUE? WHO TOLD YOU? Are THEY even trustworthy? What does THEIR track record say??
Fine — think or feel poorly about yourself. Your BODY disagrees, and your body is your trusty ROD (Ride or Die), fiercely advocating for you even when everyone (including you) doesn’t.
You might not be in your body all the time (aka dissociation),
but your body is with you always.
Even if you DISOWN your feelings, your body REMEMBERS through SOMATICIZED stress (fancy term for physical symptoms that come from emotional stress):
Muscle tension, tightness, aches
Damaged teeth from clenching + grinding
Tension headaches + migraines
Digestive problems: heartburn, indigestion, IBS
Fatigue
Poor sleep: too much, too little, irregular, disrupted, restless
Changes in appetite + weight gain/loss
High blood pressure + cardiovascular problems
Compromised immune system
Skin issues: acne, eczema, hives
Respiratory issues: shallow breathing, asthma, breathlessness
Other mystery pain that can’t be explained medically
How many of the list did you check off?
I used to check off 6 out of 12 on the regular, but nowadays it’s only 1 or 2 (in particularly busy seasons).
How did I alleviate strain on my body? By ALIGNING with my feelings instead of REPRESSING them.
I repaired my relationship with all of my emotions, especially ANGER – the one that says,
“I’m FUCKING worth CHAMPIONING for.”
Keep reading to find out how anger says,
“YOU FUCKING MATTER, TOO!!”
Firstly, let’s unpack different expressions of the statement, “I’m not worthy.”
I’m TOO much.
I’m TOO small/big.
I’m TOO poor.
I’m TOO emotional.
I’m TOO ugly.
…but what the hell does “TOO” refer to?
The word “TOO” is a relative term meaning “EXCESSIVE”.
But WHAT’S the benchmark?
More importantly, WHO set the benchmark? For WHOSE benefit?
WHO benefits at YOUR expense?
WHO ELSE are you making happy by making YOURSELF more MISERABLE?
I could do a whole soapbox about exploitative social messages we just assume is a given…but for this blog, I’ll keep it simple.
The word “TOO” is a contranym (a word with two opposite meanings).
On the one hand, “TOO” means “more than is desirable” or “different from the standard towards excess”.
This definition makes the subject stand out towards the negative, and is overlain with judgment. If you’ve resonated with what you’ve read thus far, you’re probably also familiar with using this derogatory version of “TOO” on yourself.
On the other hand, “TOO” also means ALSO, or “the same as the previous example.”
I’m excited about the concert, too!
Friday works, too!
She too is a great teacher.
The first “TOO” emphasizes DIFFERENCE (towards the negative), whereas the second version emphasizes SAMENESS + EQUALITY.
These are the people who often tend to find + follow me:
Caring, compassionate types
Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths
Women
People of Color
LGBTQ+
Lower socioeconomic status
Anyone else in historically marginalized or SHAMED communities
If you belong in any of these camps, it’s time for you to take your rightful place as someone who is EQUALLY WORTHY, someone who MATTERS just like everyone else. It’s time to wield the second “TOO” more often!
“But what if saying I’m worthy makes me an arrogant asshole?”
(If only real arrogant assholes actually worried about this as much as WE do…)
A HUGE fear that my readers have is that, should they *dare* to think of themselves as worthy, they’re thinking about themselves as being GREATER or BETTER THAN others. (GASP!! The audacity!!)
Don’t worry! If someone else is worthy, and you are worthy, then BOTH OF YOU are worthy. BOTH OF YOU are EQUALS.
You are NOT being arrogant by seeing your own worthiness, in the same way that your dearest loved one seeing their own worthiness doesn’t make them an asshole.
You getting into touch with your own inherent worth + goodness doesn’t make you BAD. It just makes you yourself. You’re NOT SELF-ABSORBED, but SELF-AWARE.
…but some people feel threatened when you KNOW & LIVE OUT your own inherent worth.
Who set the benchmark as to what “worthy” or “enough” is?? Who benefits from this??
Those who’ve been PROFITING off of you believing that you’re LESSER THAN or NOT ENOUGH.
These are the people who get OFFENDED when you set boundaries with them or assertively ask for what you rightfully deserve. These folks are the TRUE ASSHOLES, not you.
It’s time to start thinking about PEOPLE IN POWER, those who have the privilege and resources to reinforce a broken, exploitative system where they win (and everyone else loses).
There are people who actually directly benefit at others’ expense. Many of these people actually deliberately EXPLOIT or KEEP OTHERS DOWN so that they can maintain their positions of power.
You know who SUCKS at thinking about these things? Compassionate types like you and me who are so busy spinning in our own shame spiral because:
Believe that we’re unworthy
Believe that power is DANGEROUS
Who benefits from us believing that our own power is BAD? Those in power, at OUR expense.
This is the same as locking ourselves in a CAGE because you believe you DESERVE it, and thinking that the KEY to get out is itself EVIL.
What the hell are we doing to ourselves??
Even when YOU’VE abandoned yourself, there is one entity that HASN’T: YOUR BODY.
The STRAIN your body undergoes when you diminish your worth is evidence that:
It KNOWS that YOU MATTER, even when you don’t
It’s telling you to NOT lock up your POWER but rather WIELD IT WELL so that you BETTER YOUR LIFE
If there’s ANY part of you that feels (rightfully) RESENTFUL about how things are because you put yourself LAST for far too long, it’s time to REVERSE your vicious cycle into a virtuous one. How?
By stoking your resentment into fiery RAGE.
The Emotion of TRUTH + POWER
Out of the BIG 5 Emotions (MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, & NUMB), MAD is the one that says,
That is NOT OKAY because this MATTERS.
That fucking needs CHANGE NOW.
Anger is the emotion that reveals the TRUTH that what/who MATTERS ISN’T being treated accordingly.
Anger is also the emotion that has the POWER to CHALLENGE what’s not okay with FIERCE URGENCY.
Don’t lock up the ONE emotion that’s designed to PROTECT you.
Don’t stay in that gaslighting cage that tells you that you are unworthy or not enough – you need to BREAK OUT, and you need to do it NOW!
It’s time to LET anger do it’s (fucking) job in CHAMPIONING for us with the same FEROCITY that we would do for loved ones.
The first step is to REVERSE your idea of the CAGE + the KEY.
THROW OUT the message that says:
YOU = BAD
CAGE = GOOD
KEY = BAD
Time for a NEW message:
YOU = GOOD
CAGE = BAD
KEY = GOOD
The second step?
GRAB THE KEY and STEP OUT (and STAY OUT) of the cage!!
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
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Other Blogs on Shame
© Copyright 2023 Joanne Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.
Our relationship with our feelings don’t happen in a vacuum! Listen to this conversation I had with La Shanda Sugg on her podcast The Labors of Love Podcast, where we talked about emotions, shame, and individualism.