The 3 C's We Admire about Anger that make us BADASS, not BAD!
Hiding in SHAME
I’ve never been the girly girl or the super femme or the classy kinda gal. It’s not my thing…or so I believed for the first three decades of my life.
Because of all kinds of bullshit messages I intuitively absorbed from my super conservative + religious + shame-based environments, I swung the opposite extreme as my “freer” female peers – oversized sweatshirts & sweatpants were my daily attire for the sake of COVERING UP everything and HIDING myself.
I felt anxious about being SEEN, because I equated that with becoming the TARGET for judgment, criticism, unwanted attention, or danger. I justified this by calling myself a tomboy, when in fact it was really for self-preservation purposes.
On the outside, I might have seemed tough and strong, not giving a fuck about other people’s opinions of me (as apparently evidenced by my hardcore RBF — Resting Bitch Face).
On the inside, I felt hyper self-conscious, driven by shame (I’m not enough.) and resignation (What’s the point? I don’t matter anyway).
I didn’t get angry because I was tough…I didn’t get angry because I didn’t want to get into trouble. I already felt like shit within myself – why risk getting the same messages from the outside?
Showing up in SHAME
Fast forward to present day, when the MAJORITY of my week involves BEING SEEN and PUTTING MYSELF OUT THERE.
That’s the life of an entrepreneur: really GOING for things, putting my heart & soul out into the world, not knowing what the future holds or what others’ reactions are gonna be.
How the hell did I get from here…
Age 11
Age 28
…to here???
Age 33
Age 33
It wasn’t like I gradually became comfortable with myself. These two photos weren’t possible TWO YEARS PRIOR to when they were taken because I was SUPER dissociated.
Sure, I might have worn these kinds of clothes (maybe) and put on makeup (against my will), but I sure as hell would have kept my major RBF + death glare.
So how did I get this far in such a short period of time??
How did I attain the 3 C’s of:
The CONFIDENCE that I am WORTHY & GOOD
The COMFORT of being in my own skin
The COURAGE to boldly show up in the world
The secret? ANGER!!
These 3 C’s are the natural fruits of the life-giving power of ANGER, the very thing that a lot of women + Highly Sensitive Persons believe that makes us “BAD”.
Anger makes you BADASS, not BAD.
Its wild, dynamic, and expansive energy helps you connect with the VITALITY of life, the fire that burns in you to keep you moving forward like a train!! Naysayers better get the hell out of your way ;)
Learn how ANGER helps you build CONFIDENCE, COMFORT, & COURAGE in your life so you can be the best BADASS version of yourself!!
When you lock up ANGER and the LIFE FORCE that comes with it, these are the potential consequences in different arenas of your life:
Personal
Low self-esteem because anxiety, guilt, and shame fills the void that anger leaves, making you feel small, powerless, and unworthy
Resignation from rarely pursuing what matters to you or changing the status quo because you assume nothing will ever work out for you
Depression because life seems dreary, lackluster, and meaningless, as if it doesn’t really matter whether you exist
Relational
Envy + Comparisonitis because you see in others what you also want but don’t give yourself permission to actually GO FOR IT and GO GET IT yourself
Burnout because you work so hard taking care of others in order to EARN love, worthiness, or belonging
Resentment from painting yourself into lopsided relationships by NOT expressing your wants + needs and NOT bringing up hurts that need attention
Professional
Perfectionism because you assume that anything short of perfection would lead to you losing your job, which leads to you becoming homeless, which leads to you becoming sick and (worse!) a disappointment in others’ eyes
Imposter Syndrome because you downplay your strengths + impact and assume you just got “lucky” or it’s because others were great
Career stagnation because you don’t feel worthy of shooting for what you want or pass up opportunities because you feel like you’re not ready or competent enough
But when you DO tap into the power of anger you ALREADY have access to:
Personal
You are ASSURED that who you are inherently matters and is worth advocating or fighting for
You TRANSFORM your life to reflect who you are and what matters most to you
You can WORK hard, REST hard, & PLAY hard, knowing that you have a unique purpose in this world and are capable of making a meaningful impact in the world
Relational
You assertively ASK FOR what you want + need in your relationships because YOU MATTER, TOO!
You DON’T PUT UP WITH other people’s bullshit or take on their responsibility because you know you deserve better
You FULLY CELEBRATE yourself + your loved ones because there’s no zero sum game where one person’s gain is another person’s loss
Professional
You CONTINUOUSLY GROW by being a lifelong learner, giving yourself permission to try new things, challenge yourself, mess up, and learn from your experiences
You ACCURATELY ASSESS yourself, leveraging your strengths and accepting your limitations to you wisely discern what your next steps are
You EVOLVE into truer versions of yourself, using each experience as an opportunity to connect with your purpose in life, your values, and your desires and not settling for less
How exactly does ANGER create CONFIDENCE, COMFORT, & COURAGE?
The hint is in the words themselves. Here’s what the C’s mean in their original root:
CONFIDENCE = to be WITH FULL TRUST
com- (with) + fidere (trust) [Latin]
Confidence is WITH about seeing yourself as BETTER than you actually are. It’s about TRUSTING the TRUTH of who you are.
Well, what about those egotistical assholes who think they own the world??
They’re so confident that they’re SHAMELESS, brash, and aggressive.
Even narcissists who boast like no one else actually are SUPER INSECURE on the inside. How do I know? Say to their face a comment that’s the OPPOSITE of what they say about themselves, and see how they respond.
If they get OFFENDED (reactive anger), then that means their self-esteem is actually FRAGILE instead of STEADY. They double down and retaliate (or at least explain themselves) because your perception of them actually made a dent in their self-esteem (because it wasn’t actually secure to begin with). It’s like they NEED for YOU to know who THEY are (meaning their well-being is dependent on YOU).
An emotionally mature + secure person wouldn’t have much of a reaction to comments that go against the TRUTH of who they actually are. At worst, they might feel sad because there’s a gap of connection between you two, but OFFENDED? Less so. Secure people practice PROACTIVE ANGER, the emotion of truth, right or wrong, fairness, or standards.
What we usually think of anger is its REACTIVE version, one that DISTORTS TRUTH (because it’s based on FEAR + SHAME).
PROACTIVE, healthy anger is one that actually:
Pays attention to what’s happening
Honestly assesses what’s involved
Makes principled, sober, and impartial judgments/decisions, and
Takes appropriate action
A wise person is someone who is COMMITTED TO KNOWING THE TRUTH, even when the truth HURTS.
When a wise person:
Receives accurate negative feedback, they’ll TAKE IT IN and adjust accordingly.
Receives accurate positive feedback, they’ll TAKE IT IN and adjust accordingly.
Receives feedback that doesn’t fit their understanding of themselves, they’ll TAKE IT IN and thoroughly evaluate it (maybe even consulting trusted others)…and then adjust accordingly.
Using the discerning, decisive power of anger to PURIFY your understanding of yourself gives you CONFIDENCE because you KNOW who you actually are and can LIVE accordingly.
KNOW THYSELF and live with FULL TRUST in the TRUTH of who you are.
COMFORT = to be WITH STRENGTH
com- (with) + fortis (strength) [Latin]
Great Danes are GINORMOUS…and they KNOW their own size and strength. They’re super chill, playful, and sweet because they know they can TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES as needed.
But for the Great Dane to know its own strength is not enough; OTHERS also need to know this strength for there to be actual harmonious relationships.
This doesn’t mean the Great Dane needs to be aggressive and domineering…it just needs to let out a big BARK or actually STAND UP if others MISTREAT or THREATEN their space, home, or loved ones. Great Danes are gentle giants, but they’re NOT DOORMATS.
Without that EXPLICITLY EXPRESSED ANGER (which protects what/who MATTERS), INTERNALLY FELT ANGER unfortunately doesn’t have much weight. There must be a BITE to accompany the BARK if needed.
For understandable reasons of safety and security, a lot of women and Highly Sensitive People fall shy of EXPRESSING their anger. I want you to discern when is or isn’t the time to speak up. But STAYING SILENT ultimately does all of us a disservice because it trains others that we could (or should) be mistreated.
We could all afford to practice our voice AT LEAST a bit more than we do now.
In order for you to be truly COMFORTABLE with yourself, you have to LIVE OUT your power by IMPLEMENTING ANGER whenever needed. This is done through:
Assertiveness (pursuing what you want + need)
Setting + maintaining boundaries (limiting what you don’t want + need)
The HOW you do these two go beyond what this blog can cover (more to come!). For now, know the WHY you need to wield the power of your anger.
Only when the others see that you’re READY TO FOLLOW THROUGH with your warnings will they either BACK OFF or CONNECT WITH RESPECT.
KNOW YOUR POWER and STAND YOUR GROUND!!
COURAGE = to be WITH HEART
cor (heart) [Latin] > coeur [French]
In the fifth Narnia book, the wise lion Aslan said to young Lucy whose ship was caught in a dark storm,
“COURAGE, dear heart.”
With those words, everything changed for Lucy. No, the storms did not subside, neither did her fears. But she felt a surge of CLARITY and POWER to keep going through this rough journey.
That’s kinda how a lot of things in life are. The big challenge still lay ahead, but we are to KEEP MOVING FORWARD.
Courage is NOT the ABSENCE of fear, but the PRESENCE of FOCUS and STRENGTH to push against the scary thing towards our desired destinations.
We don’t have to wait until the stars align for us to move ahead. That there are fears or uncertainties along the way is not a dealbreaker or disqualifier.
Built into the emotion of ANGER are these very things we need for the journey:
Focal point: the outcome we desire or expect
Energy: what moves us forward from where we are to where we WANT to be
Power: the strength to break, move, or overcome obstacles
Steadfastness: the ability to stay the course until we reach the destination.
How is the meaning of “HEART” in courage related to ANGER? Because MAD is one of three emotions of SIGNIFICANCE (the others being GLAD & SAD), and the HEART is what determines what MATTERS to us.
We don’t get ANGRY about things we don’t really CARE about. The reason you can rally up the power of anger on behalf of your loved ones is because they MATTER to you.
It’s just that YOU are to matter to you, too! You are to summon anger on behalf of yourself because you are ALSO WORTHY, just as much as your loved ones.
It’s no problem if you don’t (yet) feel like you matter. Anger not only protects and champions on behalf of what/who MATTERS, but it also ADDS SIGNIFICANCE to the thing/person being protected.
‘Tis a virtuous cycle as mentioned before:
Champion on behalf of someone, and they’ll matter more (so you’ll protect them even more fiercely).
If something doesn’t matter to you, you won’t protect it, which reduces its value.
If it’s hard to believe that you matter or are worthy enough to advocate for, act on behalf of yourself AS IF you matter for the time being.
This might feel like “Fake it ‘til you make it,”
but it’s actually “LIVE IT ‘til you BELIEVE it!”
THEN see what happens in your life, your relationships, and your life direction!
No more passively waiting!
CONFIDENCE, COMFORT, and COURAGE are NOT things you passively wait for until they magically appear. These are things you gain from DOING them. What’s the best emotion that’s about DOING? You guessed it! ‘Tis ANGER!
The BIG Feelings Chart
Not sure what to do when any of the BIG 5 Feelings show up?
Want to know what each of them mean about what you need?
Grab this free PDF chart that shows you what to do with MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, & NUMB!
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Other Blogs on Anger
© Copyright 2023 Joanne Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.