How Our Feelings About Our Birthdays Might Keep Us Stuck
One of the most common things I see in my 1:1 work with people is a complicated relationship with their own birthdays and negative feelings about them.
(I'm looking at you, Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, and Enneagram 1s, 2s, 4s, and 9s!)
This might be because of a host of reasons:
Lack of practice in celebrating + having fun — "There's so much to do. Who has time for vacation?!"
Lack of practice in celebrating oneself, feelings of shame + unworthiness
Self-consciousness — not wanting to be the center of attention (or to be noticed, period!)
Resentment - "I did this for YOUR birthday; why didn't you do it for me?" “I thought about all the things you wanted to do for your birthday. Why didn’t you ask me what I wanted?”
Unspoken desires + expectations
Focus on OTHER people's wants + needs
This isn't from nowhere. A lot of it might stem from our habitual, autopilot ways of living life, including putting others' needs before our own or feeling like we need to EARN love and goodness.
Years ago, I would have never imagined announcing my birthday so openly to 3,000+ people, let alone the 5 closest friends to me.
Because I felt SO UNCOMFORTABLE drawing attention (even positive ones), I used to get squeamish about my birthday, burying my head in the sand and hoping it would just blow over without anyone noticing as if it's a terrible event.
This tapped into the same part of me that would avoid, deflect, or minimize any compliments or appreciations I got.
(Did you know you could have an allergic reaction to JOY?)
It always baffled me how some people would not only enjoy their birthday but would want everyone to know it. How can they handle such intensity of positive attention??
Over the past several years, I learned more about my own patterns that interfered with my ability to be celebrated.
Holding onto a deep shame message that says, "I am bad/broken."
Craving predictability, control, and planning. Anything I haven't planned/prepared for (e.g., other people's emotions/sentiments or surprises) freaks me out.
Believing that others are saying good things to/about me because they WANT something from me (mistrust) or they’re just trying to be nice
I’ve done a ton of inner work to finally shift my internal core beliefs.
I, too, have goodness in me - just like everyone else.
Others don't automatically have alterior motives - some are actually excited to celebrate me.
It's okay to allow myself to be seen, loved, and held.
Which of the following are your reasons you might deflect positive attention away from yourself or your birthday?
Fear of wanting too much to then being disappointed
Fear of other people’s feelings + insecurities about good in your life
Discomfort with being the center of attention (fear of being trapped, judged, criticized)
Pressure to perform or be a certain way
Fear of aging/mortality
Fear of not being where you’re “supposed” to be
Fear of finding out that no one will really show up for you (interpreting their celebrations of you as hollow lip service)
Envy of having a birthday that’s not as good as someone else’s
Fixation on your imperfections that you have a hard time acknowledging that you are still good
Perfectionism of feeling like your birthday has to be perfect OR ELSE
Focus on other people’s wants and needs
Not knowing what you want and need
(Anything you would add to the list?)
The Courage to Experience Joy
On top of having a hard time experiencing GOOD things and feeling JOY, you might also JUDGE yourself for doing so (a double whammy for sure!).
But what if JOY comes with some RISKS?
What if after we felt happy, we experienced PAIN from losing it?
What if there were CONSEQUENCES to being happy?
What if we were PUNISHED for being happy?
All in all, if JOY is a relatively foreign (or scary) emotion for you, I get it. If I hadn’t worked with hundreds of people who felt similarly, I would have continued to judge myself too for having such a hard time with a feeling that’s SUPPOSED to be easy.
But having seen a whole lot of complicated reasons for why joy is such a LOADED emotion, I can now have more compassion for myself and for others.
For many of us, we SURVIVED by REJECTING JOY.
…It’s just that the conditions might have changed since then.
If you’ve read this far, chances are you’re actually already ready to RECLAIM your rightful joy.
…but it’s still FUCKING SCARY.
That’s okay. Take it slow, take it easy.
Before you feel JOY, you might first need COURAGE.
Four Steps to Grow in Courage
Courage doesn’t require for you to FEEL ready for you to do the scary thing. Courage is about ACTION, not feeling.
All courage requires is for you to:
Acknowledge the scary thing is scary
Acknowledge (or at least entertain the idea) that you deserve good — just like everyone else. (Consider yourself like you would your closest people.)
Acknowledge that the scary thing is still necessary / good
Treat yourself like you would your closest people. (Or at least move 2% more in that direction this year. Next year, go another 2%.)
What is something you’ve always wanted to do but never gave yourself permission to pursue? This blog about the Fuck-it List might help.
Wishing you the happiest birthday you’ve ever had that comes from you reconnecting with yourself!
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