Breaking the #1 Myth About Anger: You Totally CAN Wield It Well!
The BIG “BAD” Feeling
“Anger is scary.”
“Anger is selfish.”
“Anger is BAD.”
“Anger is destructive.”
“What if I break something? Hurt someone?”
“What if I lose control?”
“What If I’m being unreasonable? Toxic? Too much?”
Let’s break the No. 1 myth about anger together.
Of the BIG 5 Emotions (MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, & NUMB), MAD is the one that freaks people out the most, especially:
Empaths
Those in caregiving roles (e.g., parents)
Those in caring professions (e.g., teachers, therapists, nurses, pastors)
Tons of people have FEELINGS about this feeling:
…because anger is (apparently) a big, scary, chaotic monster that must be locked up!
So many of us also get all kinds of messages that we internalize as if they’re true statements (bc that’s one of the downsides of being so damn conscientious, considerate, and caring of others!):
“Don’t complain - just do it.”
“Stop being dramatic – it’s not a big deal.”
“Why can’t you just get over it?”
“Who do you think you are?”
“Stop being so selfish. What about me?”
My Relationship with Anger: Repressed + RBF
As a queer, church-raised, firstborn daughter of a Korean immigrant family, I had been dealt cards for stuffing my feelings so that I wouldn’t get into trouble or draw criticism, judgment, or rejection.
Though I had TONS of feelings on the inside (shout out to other Enneagram Fours!) along the lines of:
“I don’t like this!”
“I don’t want to!”
“I hate this outfit!”
“I want to go home!”
I was repeatedly told: “Stop pouting.” My family weren’t very expressive with their own feelings, and they definitely didn’t know how to handle mine.
I learned to be the “easy kid” by keeping my mouth shut, head down, and nose to the grind… Doing what I was expected to do (or at least making sure I don’t stand out).
Eventually, my face became more & more flat and emotionless, perpetually stuck in RBF (Resting Bitch Face). This is me at Age 12, barely able to feel anything because I had disconnected so much from it, especially the most “threatening” emotion of anger.
I so deeply believed that anger RUINS relationships. When I put up a boundary with my family members in college, they reacted with stone-cold silence, eyes averting. It’s as if I broke the rules by expressing my anger.
With that “confirmation” that MAD = BAD, I drowned myself in school + work because at least that was an area that I could do something about. Anger felt very out of control, so I locked it up and summoned NUMBNESS and ANXIETY instead, the combination of feelings that gave me the sense of being in control.
Fast forward another year, when I was running a huge church event, running around like a headless chicken, that I just LOST. MY. SHIT. and collapsed on the floor, FUMING with rage…kinda like this:
I had no idea where this terrifying and explosive energy and power came from:
I thought I banned it from my life??
How and why is it here?
What’s happening to me?
Is something wrong with me?
*cue anxiety + depression + SO MANY shame spirals*
That Myth About Anger… is a Myth.
Fast-forward to who and how I am today:
(Note: I am not naturally photogenic. This photo is NOT me forcing a smile. It’s a hearty deep belly laugh because I’m genuinely having a great time.)
How did this happen? Well, I learned along the way that in fact, ANGER IS NOT BAD and I CAN do anger without it ruining my life – in fact, tapping into my anger helped me access my inherent vitality!
One key piece of information was that I actually do anger ALL. THE. TIME!
And if you resonate with what you read so far, YOU DO, TOO! Yes, you can deal with anger in a healthy way and harness its power!
Keep reading to find out why anger isn’t as scary + mysterious as you think!
Here’s what happens when you assume anger is BEYOND your reach:
Personal
You forget your own power.
Shame: You assume you don’t matter.
You make yourself smaller than you need to.
You live off the scraps that others leave behind.
You REACT to what’s happening in life instead of CREATING change.
Relational
Inferiority: You take a one-down position and believe you’re lesser than others.
Envy: You wish you were like them, because who you are isn’t okay/good.
Lack of assertiveness: You don’t speak up for your wants, needs, and hurts because you believe you don’t matter (and/or others don’t give a damn).
Lack of boundaries: You allow others to walk/talk over you and take you for granted because you yourself believe you don’t matter.
Counterdependence: You have a hard time receiving comfort or support because you feel like you’re burdening them or taking advantage of them.
You overextend yourself for others and feel resentful (then ashamed because resentment is a “BAD” feeling)
Professional
Comparisonitis: You assume others could do things but you can’t.
Resignation: You don’t pursue desires or go after endeavors that are actually within your reach.
Impostor Syndrome: When you actually do get to that point, you question whether it’s valid or whether you deserve it.
But when you DO tap into the power of anger, you ALREADY have access to:
Personal
You KNOW your own worth, power, and size.
You believe you MATTER, just like everyone else.
You take up your rightful position as someone who also has inherent worth, dignity, and will.
Your wants & needs are fulfilled quickly, and not as an afterthought.
You engage life more deeply with a rhythm of rest & activity, instead of one reactive drama after the next.
Relational
You see yourself and others as EQUALS - all worthy, all mattering, all belonging. No one is greater, no one is lesser.
You’re able to see DIFFERENCES as a neutral topic: different is different, neither inherently better or worse.
You PROTECT + CHAMPION on behalf of yourself just as much as you would do for others.
You give AND receive support and comfort instead of being in one-sided relationships.
You get your needs & wants met more directly/quickly rather than in a roundabout way through others.
Professional
Confidence: You know your strengths and limitations without swinging into shame. You’re grounded in who you are and what you’re capable of.
You GO FOR what you want, stepping forth in vulnerability + courage.
Either grow in areas you’re lacking or ask others for help or collaboration.
Others aren’t rivals or threats, but potential companions, support, or inspiration.
Celebration: When you have wins (any forward movement), you’re able to be present and really take in that win!
Anger is already within your reach
This is you ALREADY do anger:
You already know how to GIVE A DAMN.
Think of someone you deeply care about. What do you feel when:
They feel like they don’t matter?
They feel like they are powerless?
They don’t speak up for themselves?
They don’t pursue their deepest desires?
The project they put their heart & soul into falls apart?
Someone mistreats them?
Someone walks all over them?
Someone takes advantage of them?
Someone steals credit for their hard work?
Someone spits on them?
FUCK THAT SHIT!!!!
If you are well familiar with going MAMA LION when someone dear to you is being treated (by themselves or by others) as if they DON’T MATTER, your anger in words or with action would say the OPPOSITE.
THEY FUCKING MATTER.
Anger is the emotion of MATTERING — if something negative happens to something that (or someone who) MATTERS to you, ANGER is the natural, rightful feeling that arises.
So if you would readily access (and express!) anger on behalf of SOMEONE ELSE, how come it’s not the same for YOU?
It’s not because of ANGER. It’s because of SHAME.
You can’t protect or champion on behalf of something you think doesn’t matter. (It’s a waste of energy!)
The reason why it’s hard to advocate for or stand up for yourself is because YOU feel like YOU DON’T MATTER.
You feel like you’re unworthy.
You feel like you’re lesser than others.
You feel like you’re powerless.
You feel like you’re destined to stay in unworthiness.
“But what if I’ve been told I DON’T MATTER?”
“What if no one’s ever told me that I’m worthy?”
“What if even my partner doesn’t treat me right?
“What if everything I’ve tried hasn’t worked out?”
“What if I’m just a failure?”
Stop a hot minute. Notice the reactions that are coming up right now:
Fear
Shame
Anxiety
Guilt
Resignation
Close your eyes and BREATHE with your belly until these feelings pass. Don’t read any further until you’re in a place to read past your immediate defense reactions.
Ready?
These immediate thoughts & feelings that came up are part of your (super important) defense structure that kept you safe when you were actually vulnerable and powerless (often your childhood).
When you were younger, you NEEDED to reject anger because it really WASN’T SAFE for you to access/express that power…
…back then. Things are different now.
The truth is, you’re not that same kid anymore.
Since then, you gained more power, abilities, resources, and opportunities to make wiser decisions for yourself.
(Btw, wise ≠ perfect. Wise means being committed to reality. If you make an imperfect decision and discover new information, great! Adjust accordingly.)
Even though you’ve gained more experience and wisdom since you were a vulnerable child, and your capacity in body, heart, and mind grew, your coping patterns didn’t upgrade accordingly.
Huh? What’s that mean?
It means you ALREADY OUTGREW these old messages that you can’t or shouldn’t do anger, but you might have missed the memo.
So here’s the memo:
YOU CAN DO ANGER!
Yes, the shiny red car is yours, completely under your name. If you don’t believe it though, you’ll live a life shiny-red-car-less, insisting on driving a worn down, beat up car just because that’s what you’ve driven this entire time.
What got you HERE isn’t going to take you THERE.
It’s time for an UPGRADE.
…and the upgrade has already happened. It’s time to take the keys and step into your rightful ride!!
“Okay, but concretely, how do I DO anger?”
Again, think about your dearest loved one. If THEY were in YOUR position, what would you feel? What would you want THEM to do?
You would want them to:
KNOW their worth (They MATTER).
KNOW their equality (They matter JUST AS MUCH AS others).
Take care of themselves.
Advocate for their wants & needs.
Confront those who mistreat them (or at least get out of harm’s way).
Lean into their vulnerability and heal deep wounds.
Challenge themselves and GROW BEYOND their fears and limiting beliefs (part of know their worth!).
Really GO FOR what really matters to them in life.
Notice the discrepancy between what you want your loved one to do and what you do for yourself.
Close the gap; be FAIR!
Do the thing you want THEM do for themselves!
It might FEEL like “faking it ‘til you make it”, but it’s actually “LIVE IT ‘TIL YOU BELIEVE IT!”
Then see what happens in your personal, relational, and professional arenas. Work WITH your anger and see all that anger does FOR you!!
Anger seem like a crazy dangerous fire??
Harness its power for GOOD!!
The BIG Feelings Chart
Not sure what to do when any of the BIG 5 Feelings show up?
Want to know what each of them mean about what you need?
Grab this free PDF chart that shows you what to do with MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, & NUMB!
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Other Blogs on Anger
Copyright Joanne Kim 2023
Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.