3 Quick Exercises for HSPs to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions
Highly Sensitive Persons and empaths tend to absorb other people’s feelings, pain, and responsibilities, which often leads to a host of headaches & heartaches like burnout, anxiety, guilt, resentment, and shame. In this blog, you’ll learn about the emotional habit of absorbing other people’s feelings, why HSPs tend to do that, and the 3 simple exercises you can do to stop absorbing other people's emotions.
These exercises can help you stop being an emotional sponge, stay anchored within and protect your precious energy.
The Emotional Habits of Highly Sensitive Persons
This is Part 3 of a 4-part series on the Highly Sensitive Person’s emotional habits.
In Part 1 (The Highly Sensitive Person and the 3 Emotional Habits that Make Them Stumble), I talked about the 3 emotional habits that (when overly done), really knock HSPs off balance in their personal, relational, and professional arenas:
Navel gazing (Part 2)
Absorbing others’ feelings (Part 3)
Too much AIM, not enough FIRE (Part 4)
Again, these are not BAD traits! It’s just that when we OVERLY do these, even when that’s not what the current situation is asking for, we get tripped up pretty easily, unable to regain our footing.
(Think of the slapstick comedy scene when a single banana peel slip leads to a disastrous crash of precious chinas, ruined makeup, splattered cake on the floor, etc. When one reactive feeling snowballs into a whole avalanche, that’s called the Emotional Vortex.)
Why are Highly Sensitive Persons like Emotional Sponges?
The letters E and S in the acronym D.O.E.S. that describes Highly Sensitive Persons stand for:
Emotional Reactivity & Empathy
Sensitivity to Subtle Stimuli
Both of these traits lead to HSPs absorbing other people’s feelings because we’re:
Co-opted into becoming others’ feeling translators
Pay way too much attention to other peoples’ microexpressions
Get pulled out of ourselves into others’ feelings
Have trouble setting + keeping boundaries (Hint: it’s because MAD has been labeled as a BAD feeling. Learn more about breaking this myth about anger. )
Emotional Fluency → Feelings Translator
Because Highly Sensitive Persons are well-familiar with their own emotional world, they can also navigate others’ feelings with ease. Feelings are the HSP’s first language – much like how a young child can pick up a language through osmosis without really thinking through the technical grammar structure (they just KNOW it).
Literally, verbal language is the second language that’s more formally learned – it’s clunkier and harder to use.
This makes it so that HSPs are like immigrants – in order to get by in relationships or at work, it's as if they need to leave behind their mother tongue to constantly code switch and change channels to speak others’ languages, feeling exhausted, misunderstood, and judged severely for being a “foreigner.”
On the other hand, it seems like magic when HSPs can “translate” another person’s feelings for them, giving THEM access to their own inner world they never even knew existed.
The pickle is, HSPs are permanently hired (exploited?) as others’ feelings translators so that others don't have to bother learning the language themselves. HSPs are often stuck in these roles where, in order to remain in relationships, it’s as if they NEED to:
Focus on other people’s feelings (because others won’t do it for themselves)
NOT focus on their own feelings (because others won’t bother getting to know them)
Noticing Microexpressions
Because Highly Sensitive Persons have a keen awareness towards subtleties, we are more prone than non-HSPs to noticing subtle nonverbal cues in other people’s body language, microexpressions, emotional/energetic shifts, etc. even if we can’t quite put our finger on exactly what the other person is feeling.
Sometimes we react to those cues even before we realize we’re doing it. When someone makes direct eye contact with us, we might reflexively look away without knowing it (because that might feel too intense or overwhelming).
We might notice the other person’s eyebrows or lips shift, then pay even more close attention to what else they are feeling, leading HSPs into being one of the most empathetic people on this planet. It’s like HSPs know what others are feeling even before others know their own feelings, for better and for worse.
For better, this habit makes HSPs fantastically attuned to others, which is a huge asset when it comes to any caregiving role (like parenting), personal relationships (friendships, romantic relationships), or profession like being a teacher, nurse, therapist, etc.
Out of OUR orbit, into THEIRS
For worse, because of this habit of focusing on other’ feelings and their subtle microexpressions, we might accidentally be pulled out of OUR own orbit into THEIRS.
(Yes, it’s totally possible to be navelgazing as HSPs while being fixated on others at the same time. For example, we can internally spin about someone ELSE’S situation for a long-ass time).
Other people who see emotions as bad (immature, irrational, messy) tend to “benefit” from not doing any emotional labor because empaths and HSPs do that emotional work FOR them.
It’s a common roommate situation for the messy roommate to get away with NOT cleaning up after themselves because the more conscientious roommate does it FOR them. In the same way, those who despise feelings could afford to NOT put in the effort to advocate for their own needs or process their own feelings because HSPs will do it FOR them.
This is why Highly Sensitive Persons tend to have lopsided relationships with people who DON’T do feelings – others don’t process their own feelings, let alone tune into the HSP’s feelings.
*cue burnout + resentment*
The Human Magnet Syndrome
This is also partly why Highly Sensitive Persons/Empaths + codependents and narcissists + emotional manipulators tend to be drawn towards each other. ‘Tis called the Human Magnet Syndrome.
Neither the HSP nor those in relationships might be consciously aware that this relationship is happening – all this could be happening completely unconsciously. It’s just that the partner doesn’t really care to investigate further – they are the primary beneficiary of this arrangement.
Unless the covert dynamic is made overt (for example, you reading this blog or grabbing a copy of the Human Magnet Syndrome book), you might be trapped in this dynamic that seems symbiotic on the outside (“I really admire how decisive he is – I can never do that. I always have a hard time making decisions.”) but is really parasitic.
It’s not really symbiotic because HSPs rarely get any benefit out of these dynamics except to maybe avoid dealing with the struggle of valuing and advocating for themselves. Once their parasitic partner has sucked the HSP’s energy and resources, all they need to do is to toss the HSP out like a used up lightbulb and find someone else to be the next host or prey.
Difficulty setting + keeping boundaries
When Highly Sensitive Persons realize this dynamic and try hard to set boundaries often find their partner or family member reacting with ANGER that feels godawful. HSPs often end up undoing their boundaries and resuming these soul-sucking relationships because of their allergic reaction to anger – their own and others’.
This is why NOT doing anger is so costly to you. (Flip it upside down: ANGER is GOOD for you. Read more tips at the end of this blog.)
When you set a boundary and someone gets MAD, it doesn’t mean that you’re doing something BAD. Their anger is confirmation that boundaries were necessary in the first place because they’ve been mooching off of you this entire time and you just cut off their supply.
Take this as a sign that you’re going in the RIGHT direction – keep going, with the help of a therapist near you.
Three 5-min exercises to stop absorbing other people’s emotions
So how do Highly Sensitive Persons and empaths get out of this trap?
Here are 3 exercises that take less than 5 minutes to create more distinctions (aka boundaries) so that you can protect your emotional energy and take good care of yourself.
Sifter: Whose stuff is whose?
Force Field: Their Stuff OUT, Your Stuff IN
Cannon: Wielding the power of ANGER
1) Sifter: Whose stuff is whose?
This is an example of how you can repair your relationship with anger: by learning about its benefits and practicing doing anger on purpose.
All of the BIG 5 Feelings (MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, & NUMB) have their go-to themes about what we’re going through and what we’re needing.
From what I found so far, ANGER has at least 18 different types and 42 themes. (Yes, you read that right!)
(Think of feelings like watercolors – there are various colors, hues, and shades that can also blend in with others to make even more options! No need to tease out the *technical* distinctions. This is more of an art than a science, though there is an inherent built-in logic to translating feelings. It’s totally okay to disagree with how I categorize different feelings – I’m going for USEFUL, not particularly PERFECT.)
One of the categories of anger themes is about BOUNDARIES: bringing in distinction, clarity, definition.
Highly Sensitive Persons often get into trouble because of the LACK of anger that provides distinction between themselves and others.
HSPs are often OVERLY familiar with the feeling of GUILT (which ironically is also a type of anger), and UNDERLY familiar with the feeling of ANGER proper.
Here’s a blog that’s about how there are healthy versions of both anger & guilt (about responsibility and repair), and what happens when we mix them up (hint: BLAME & SELF-BLAME). TL;DR –
Healthy Anger
YOU did something to negatively affect this outcome/relationship.
I hold YOU responsible to fix it.
Healthy Guilt
I did something to negatively affect this outcome/relationship.
I hold MYSELF responsible to fix it.
Unhealthy Anger (BLAME)
I did something to negatively affect this outcome/relationship.
I hold YOU responsible to fix it.
Unhealthy Guilt (SELF-BLAME)
YOU did something to negatively affect this outcome/relationship.
I hold MYSELF responsible to fix it.
Click here to read more about how to sort what’s your stuff from others.
2) Force Field: Their Stuff OUT, Your Stuff IN
For better or for worse, our bodies can’t tell the difference between imagination and reality (this is why novels and movies can stir up strong reactions within us). Let’s use this to our advantage to create a barrier and expel other people’s feelings, responsibilities, and energies (from Step 1).
Here are the steps (don’t think too hard – none of this has to make sense, and better if you don’t analyze it):
Stage 1: Locating the foreign object
Sit in a comfortable position, feet on the ground, back straight.
Close your eyes and do a body scan – Ask your body, “Have I taken in anything that does NOT belong to me?” and check for any sensations, pressures, tensions (which?) concentrated in any part of your body (where?).
Visualize that body location and sensation as either a colored light (which color?), object (e.g., a rock), or cloud/fog/shadow.
Imagine that *thing* as traveling from wherever it’s located in your body towards one hand.
Stage 2: Creating the barrier
Using your other hand, wave it around you as you visualize a bubble or force field forming, made out of whatever material and thickness you need to feel safe and protected inside of it. (Example: mine is a waterfall on all sides with a ceiling and a floor. Others include a teflon shield, a blackout curtain, etc.)
Notice how you feel physically and emotionally within that barrier.
Stage 3: Expelling the foreign object
Take the hand that absorbed someone else’s STUFF (doesn’t matter WHOSE or WHAT it is) and put it against the wall of that barrier. Visualize the foreign object as being expelled out of your barrier through your hand with each EXHALE (think of those sci-fi spaceships that dump stuff outside of its walls, floating in space).
Keep at it until ALL foreign objects are expelled from your body. (You’ll know when your body feels more relaxed or lighter.)
Stage 4: Seal the walls
Make sure there are no cracks or breaches in the barrier of choice.
Stage 5: Customize your walls
Depending on what event is happening next in your day or who you are meeting, customize your barrier accordingly.
If you’re entering into work where you often feel depleted afterwards or are feeling nervous about or dreading talking to an unsafe family member, strengthen the barrier as necessary (e.g., add brick walls, summon a lion figure next to you, add a smokescreen).
If you tend to lean TOO rigid with even safe people who don’t need to be shut out, lighten the boundary. Still keep the boundary, but make it thinner or lighter.
If you can’t tell the difference between safe or unsafe people, read this blog.
Rinse & Repeat
Repeat these 5 stages of keeping out and/or purging other people’s feelings, responsibilities, or energies at major transitions in your day:
After you interact with someone
After you leave work
Before you come home
Before you go to bed
This might be a placebo effect, but if it reminds you to NOT take in other people’s junk or to SPIT OUT ones you did absorb, who cares? Do what works for you.
3) Cannon: Wielding the power of ANGER
Part of the reason why HSPs are often SO TIRED is because the force fields we put up (hypervigilance, avoidance, withdrawal, or the barrier exercise above) take up energy.
(Think of how force fields are powered by electricity. If they’re up all the time because we’re constantly dealing with and sorting through other people’s bullshit, it’s fucking exhausting!)
A great addition to our force field is a CANNON – aka ANGER EXPRESSION.
If OTHER people know that we DON’T have (or ever use) a cannon (i.e., there’s no consequence to THEM if they keep dumping on us), they’re gonna keep dumping on us. Why? Bc they can.
If others DO know we HAVE a cannon and will actually USE it, they’ll steer clear. Sometimes using the cannon just once will do the trick. (Then less junk for us to have to deal with!)
Highly Sensitive Persons tend to be squeamish around anger – the allergic reaction to OTHERS’ and OUR OWN anger. But as mentioned above, anger can definitely come in handy if we give ourselves permission to wield them well and get some practice under our belt!
With SAFE PEOPLE first, practice DIRECTLY ASKING FOR what you want or CONFRONTING for what you don’t want. DON’T soften your language or explain yourself – this undermines your own power. (Consider actual assholes who rarely soften themselves and see just how much they get away with.)
Level 1:
Example 1
X “Could you please give my stapler back? I need it for ____.”
O “Give my stapler back.”
Example 2
X “Could you please get me a sandwich on your way back, because I need to make sure I eat before I do my presentation.”
O “Could you grab me a sandwich on your way back?” (Allow them to say no, then find out another way to take care of yourself.)
Level 2:
Example 3
O “I won’t accept you screaming at me. We’re either going to have a civil conversation or none at all. If you keep yelling at me, I’m going to hang up.” (Then actually follow through and hang up if they keep pushing.)
X Keep engaging them even though they keep screaming.
X Saying “I’m sorry.”
X Getting hurt by their antics and taking it personally – their behavior is a reflection of THEM, not you.
At first, being direct will FEEL like you’re being rude or too much. In reality, Highly Sensitive Persons, women, or anyone who’s in a historically under-resourced group are SO FAR AWAY from that rude line that we could afford to move at least a few more inches in that direction with no problem.
DISCLAIMER: SAFE VS. UNSAFE
If you’re really in an unsafe or risky situation (in a violent relationship or at the risk of losing your job, you DO NOT have to do this assertive anger).
There’s a huge difference between the EXPERIENCE of a feeling and the EXPRESSION of it.
The EXPERIENCE of a feeling can be done solo. It’s ALLOWING yourself and your body to FEEL the feeling so that you can go THROUGH it.
The EXPRESSION of a feeling might involve showing it to others or taking action on behalf of yourself. This requires more wisdom and discernment. Even if you’re in the RIGHT to feel angry about a situation (e.g., your boss threw you under the bus to make himself look better), if you’re in a dangerous or risky situation (i.e., you might get fired), it might cost you MORE to express even rightful anger.
Practice this anger cannon in safe settings; in risky situations, you do what you need to do to keep yourself safe in the moment, and “express” your anger on revamping your resume or making a long-term escape plan.
Whatever is in your long-term best interest, you have full permission to do that (without judging yourself for not having done it properly).
Squeeze Out the Feeling Sponge
Here are the 3 steps that take less than 5 minutes for you to protect yourself and your energy. Five minutes goes a long way – imagine how much time and energy you lost because you DIDN’T take action on behalf of yourself!!
Whose stuff is whose?
Use your force field
Use your cannon
Bookmark this blog as your growth work for the next three months! Pick ONE step to do each week — whichever gives you the lowest hanging fruit. The others will naturally follow, so it doesn’t matter where you start.
These exercises to stop absorbing other people’s emotions are SIMPLE, but not necessarily EASY. It’s okay if these feel hard to do. Do your best little by little and get some practice under your belt.
When you stop taking on other people’s crap, you will have ample energy and resources to move your own life forward with confidence!
Other Emotional Habits of Highly Sensitive Persons
The 3 emotional habits when overly done that make Highly Sensitive Persons stumble in our personal, relational, or professional arenas are:
Navel gazing (Part 2)
Absorbing others’ feelings (Part 3)
Too much AIM, not enough FIRE (Part 4)
After 3 months, pick one of the other two, rinse & repeat!
The BIG Feelings First Aid Kit
Messy feelings spilling out at the WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, WRONG WAY?
Grab this free PDF guide that shows you how to handle feelings like a pro so that you can keep moving forward in life!
Pin it to save these exercises for later!
Other Blogs on Highly Sensitive Persons
© Copyright 2023 Joanne Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.