Power of Perspective: Cycle or Spiral?
Do you feel like you’re stuck in the same frustrating patterns over and over again?
Maybe you keep getting into the same arguments, repeating old habits, or falling back into cycles you swore you’d broken. It’s like déjà vu, except instead of a fun nostalgia moment, it’s just - exhausting.
But here’s where the POWER OF PERSPECTIVE changes everything.
What if you’re not actually stuck in a cycle, but instead, moving forward in a spiral? The difference is huge—and seeing it could completely shift the way you view your progress.
Going in Circles
Ever found yourself thinking:
I thought I dealt with this already. Why am I going through this again?
Am I always going to be attracted to the same kinds of assholes?
Are things never going to get better?
Maybe you’re arguing with your partner again, and you’re thinking, “I TOLD myself I wouldn’t do this again”. But here you are, playing out the same conversation, the same feelings rising up, the same patterns repeating, and you’re sick of it.
Maybe you swore you’d finally finish that project this time, only to realize, nope - not happening again.
You might be feeling stuck in your own reactive patterns, unable to break free no matter how many books you read, seminars you attend, or strategies you try. No matter what you do, you still end up back in the same place.
If that’s where you’re at - feeling like you’re in the exact same place despite all attempts to change, you might be stuck in a SHAME CYCLE.
The Shame Cycle
When you’re caught in a shame cycle or the shame spiral, it feels like you’re just going around in circles.
No matter what you try, the same dynamics play out, and your attempts at change feel pointless.
The first time around, there’s frustration (What the hell? Why isn’t this changing faster?) and impatience (I just need to push harder this time).
You throw yourself into fixing things, thinking maybe this one tweak will finally do it.
But when you find yourself back in the same situation, it’s easy to shift into anger or blame—sometimes at yourself, sometimes at others:
This wasn’t my fault.
They did this to me.
This is just how things are.
After enough rounds of this, the confusion, anxiety, and despair start to creep in:
Why can’t I figure this out?
Why do I keep ending up here?
Each loop drains more energy. You stop believing change is even possible. Frustration turns into apathy and complacency.
What’s the point? Nothing changes anyway.
Each round you go, you feel more and more hopelessness and defeated.
Maybe this is just who I am. Maybe I’ll just be this way forever.
And with each round, your self-esteem takes another hit. At first, it was guilt (I messed up). But guilt morphs into shame (I’m messed up).
When you get to this point, your nervous system - overloaded with all the stress - starts to collapse.
FIGHT doesn’t work.
FLIGHT doesn’t work.
So FREEZE sets in.
And when that shutdown happens, things can take a dark turn:
Depression - you feel nothing will change, the future looks bleak
Anxiety - you feel out of control and disoriented
Shame - you see yourself as permanently flawed
It’s a brutal loop. But what if you’re not actually in a cycle at all?
The Power of Perspective: Seeing the Spiral
Here’s the thing—real growth doesn’t happen in a straight line. Even when you’re learning and evolving, you’ll still run into old struggles; there WILL be moments when you’ll feel like you’re going through the same thing over and over again.
That’s VERY HUMAN and VERY NORMAL.
(You’re okay! I’m here, too!)
But when you look for what’s different instead of what’s the same, something shifts.
Even when we make similar kinds of reactive, autopilot decisions, NOT EVERYTHING is exactly the same. Some things are indeed different, and possibly different for the better.
When we start looking for what’s DIFFERENT, what we perceive changes: what we’re walking is not a CIRCLE, but a SPIRAL.
A circle, from a top-down (or bottom-up) view, looks like you’re just going around and around.
It’s 2D, not 3D view. It’s missing a whole dimension, namely TIME, and how much things have CHANGED over time.
But when you shift perspective and see it from the side, you realize it’s actually not a SHAME CIRCLE (where you slow down/stop), but a RESILIENCE SPIRAL (where you keep moving ahead/up).
Sure, you might be doing at Age 29 the kinds of things you did at Age 19 (like procrastinating hard core on a work project like you did on school assignments). But 29-You is WISER than 19-You, because you’ve gained some experience and learned some things (many the hard way).
You might still procrastinate, but Older-You will wait ‘til the week preceding the deadline rather than the literal night before, because now you know that your body will definitely NOT be able to pull a Red Bulled all-nighter and survive a full work day.
29-You also knows that if you keep getting defensive when your partner brings up important topics, y’all will go another several rounds of flinging criticism at each other, with neither party coming out on top and both of you losing.
29-You also learned two years ago that sometimes it really DOES help to tell your partner, “Hey, I’m noticing I’m feeling really tense right now because I got off a long day at work. I need some time for my body to catch up to my brain, plus I’m really hangry. Can we eat and hang out first, and then talk about this around 8pm?”
Initially there might still be some annoyance for both of you, but in the end, the thing actually gets talked about and both of you get your needs met much more effectively than you did two years prior.
You might still feel resistance, but now you know how to work through it.
SAME situation, DIFFERENT approach. That’s the power of perspective.
Give Yourself Credit—You’ve Earned It
Hear me out.
I am NOT a fan of “Fake it ‘til you make it” or “Look for the silver lining!” I’m not going to tell you to artificially make up something positive just so that you can feel better about yourself, because that’s still a distortion (just going the opposite direction).
But here’s what I am saying:
GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT for things you’ve ACTUALLY CHANGED FOR THE BETTER.
Why is this so important?
Because the way your brain works, if you don’t recognize the progress you’ve made, your nervous system won’t register that change is possible. It needs proof that you can create different outcomes.
Overgeneralizations like “Always” or “Never” statements overload your nervous system, and it collapses beneath it.
Once despair kicks in, the mind develops “learned helplessness”, meaning you live AS IF you are truly helpless even when there are things technically still within your control, responsibility, and ability.
Some things ARE outside of your control. That’s fine. You’re not supposed to do anything with them anyway.
The point is for you to take ownership of things that ARE within your ability to do something about it.
Keep your nervous system online with concrete evidence, including things that you did WELL and things that DID change for the better.
OWN the outcome, good and bad:
If something didn’t go well, own it, repair it, and adjust next time.
If something went better than before, own that too—keep doing what works.
Spiral, not Cycle
Ask yourself this:
What does your reactive Emotional Vortex look like?
What are some situations that might trigger you into the Shame Cycle? (Here’s more about how to use those emotional triggers for growth!)
What are some ways that you can soothe that shame?
If a close friend were struggling with the exact same thing, what kinds of comfort or encouragement would you give THEM? How can you give yourself that very same kind of care?
What are 1-3 things that DID change? (Think frequency, intensity, duration, or direction.)
For example, you might still have generally one-sided relationships, but you’re more selective about with whom you’re connecting for what, stir up less emotional intensity in new connections, calibrate how much of yourself you share with others, or say no more often.
LOOK FOR those small shifts, because those are the proof that you are moving.
Even when it feels like nothing has changed, something has. And when you recognize it, you can build on it.
You’re not stuck in a cycle. You’re in a spiral.
And the power of perspective is what helps you see it.
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Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.
Not only is it important for us as individuals to do our own personal work in finding emotional balance, but we also must do the same as a greater collective. Here’s more about the mass chaos that wreaks throughout society when we as a collective don’t do our own emotional work vs. the deep, powerful healing that happens when we collectively work on ourselves.