Concentric Circles of Friendship
Who's your go-to when things hit the fan?
Do you tell your partner? Or maybe have a chat with your neighbor?
Each of our connections can handle varying degrees of difficult emotions, and some connections can only hold positive interactions.
Use the Concentric Circles of Friendship Chart to really see who fits where in your life, and build relationships where you BOTH truly matter.
Reevaluating Connections
Every major life event—whether it’s joyful or challenging—offers a chance to reevaluate our current connections.
Key moments that might prompt a relationship review include:
Starting or ending a romantic relationship
Upgrading to the “next level” of relationships
Moving to another city, state, country
Experiencing a global event like a pandemic
Facing job loss or landing a new job
Through these life experiences, we sometimes realize that our connections may not be as sustainable as we might think them to be. Or, with some people, we may not actually be as close to as we would like.
Instead of repeatedly reaching out and facing disappointment or realizing the give-and-take is off-kilter, it's good to do a check-in every now and then.
Ask yourself, "Can this friendship support the level of intimacy I'm looking for?"
The Concentric Circles of Friendship
There are many different kinds of friendships.
It's not a matter of “Yes, I have friends” or “No, I don’t have friends,” but “What kind of friends do I have?” in my circles of connections.
Picture your friendships as existing on various levels or tiers.
While the number of these levels can shift as your life changes, here's a simple way to categorize them:
+: Positive experiences — : Negative experiences
Tier 1: BFFs (+ + + - - -)
At the heart of your friendship circle are your BFFs, your ride-or-die crew.
These are the ones who know you inside out. You share your deepest, darkest secrets with them, and they're always there, showing up without fail.
The relationship is rock solid, consistent, and unwavering. They're going to be there for you, no matter what. They’ve explicitly made that commitment clear.
With them, you've built a strong bond of trust, connection, and rapport, capable of withstanding both the highs and the lows. So, it doesn't mean that you have an equal amount of positive and negative interactions with each other, but this is the depth of experiences that you share with them.
These are the first people you call, whether you're hit with the best news or the worst.
Tier 2: Close friends (+ + - -)
These folks have demonstrated that they're trustworthy. They share both your struggles and your triumphs. You can have great dinners and heart-to-heart talks.
You're still very close to them and deeply enjoy their company, they aren’t necessarily your first call during a crisis (though you'll definitely catch up with them later).
Tier 3: Fun Friends (+ + -)
This friendship tier is for those with whom you share common interests and fun activities, like attending concerts, playing board games, or enjoying wine tastings, but during tough times, they're nowhere to be found.
It doesn’t make them bad friends—they’re just not part of your innermost circle, and that’s okay.
It's crucial to manage expectations here; release them from any expectations for us to rely on them, so that THEY don't feel trapped about what we're going through, and WE don't rely on people who are not readily available for us.
But we can still have a good time!
Relationships don’t have to be all-or-nothing, eggs-in-one-basket, intensity-or-bust (Take heed, Enneagram Fours! It's healthy to have a mix of relationships, including those that might not go beyond fun activities or surface-level conversations.
Sometimes, it’s refreshing to have connections where the stakes are low, and the primary focus is simply to lighten up and have fun.
Tier 4: Neighbors (+ -)
These are your co-workers, literal neighbors, or people you see pretty regularly. You know their names, how many kids or pets they have, and the general highlights of what’s happening in their lives—but you're not hitting them up to hang out or dive into deep conversations.
You might casually share something like, “Ugh, someone dinged my car bumper last night, and I’m so annoyed,” or “My kid has this big performance coming up, and they’re so pumped!”
At the same time, there are moments when you might KEEP THINGS TO YOURSELF to avoid creating awkwardness or tension in your daily interactions.
You connect here and there, but mostly, it’s a polite “Hey, how’s it going?” when you cross paths. Beyond that, they’re not a big part of your world, and that’s totally fine.
Tier 5: Acquaintances (~)
These are people you know on a surface level but don’t share much with—good or bad.
They’re neutral presences in your life. If you don’t hit it off, no big deal. There’s no pressure, and it doesn’t have to mean anything.
Tier 6: Blacklisters (- - -)
These are the people you’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) are NOT trustworthy.
They take up way too much space in the relationship, making everything about them with zero room for your feelings or experiences. When you try to speak up for your needs, they shut you down, dismiss, gaslight, or minimize you.
These folks are toxic, and the best thing you can do is build strong boundaries and keep them at arm’s length.
Here’s the TOUGH part—sometimes these people used to be your closest friends or even family. And yeah, that hurts.
But if you don’t put up those walls, the emotional cost will leave you feeling smaller and more drained over time.
Feelings like resentment, guilt, shame, or anxiety are red flags that someone who should be in the outer tiers is way too close. Sometimes they push their way in; other times, you give them an inch, and they take a mile.
They’re still people, and as such, they deserve basic human decency (no need to be mean), but don’t share personal details with them (including what’s going on in your life). That info can and will likely be used against you.
These are the people who leave you feeling worse about yourself or your life after interacting with them. THESE ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE; GTFO.
Audit Your Circles of Connections
To keep your relationships healthy and sustainable, it’s a good idea to occasionally audit where everyone stands.
Start by listing 10 people you interact with most these days. Think about what your general vibe and interaction is with each of them with + and—.
Tier 1 (BFFs): +++ - - -
(can handle both strong positive and strong negative experiences)Tier 2 (Close Friends): ++ - -
(similar as BFF, but not first pick)Tier 3 (Fun Friends): ++ -
(mostly pleasant, but not as deep)Tier 4 (Neighbors): + -
(neutral, frequent but surface level)Tier 5 (Acquaintances): ~
(neutral, sharing little)Tier 6 (Blacklist): - - -
(consistently negative)
Now plot these individuals onto the Concentric Circles chart:
What do you notice?
Some questions to consider:
Are there people who have more access to you than they’ve earned?
If someone consistently brings more pain than good into your life (and refuses to change), it might be time to move them to an outer tier.
This doesn’t make them any less of a person; it simply places them where the relationship can realistically handle the level of intimacy.
When people are kept closer than they should be, it increases the chances of the relationship blowing up—sometimes to the point where they end up on the Blacklist.
Finding the right level of intimacy that works is key to making the relationship sustainable.
Are there some people who have demonstrated trustworthiness that you can give more access to?
Sometimes, the people you least expect can become some of your closest connections.
Be open to exploring deeper levels of intimacy with them. Push the boundaries a little to see what feels right—it might just become the new balance you need for this season of your life.
Changing Needs, Shifting Tiers
Some people might naturally drift between different tiers over time—that's totally okay!
It’s important to stay open to relationships that aren’t fixed in one place. Remember, it doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing.
As we grow and evolve, our needs and priorities shift. It’s only natural that our connections adjust to match our new level of personal growth.
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© Copyright 2024 Joanne Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.
Who do you go to when something bad happens? Do you tell your partner? Or your neighbor? Our connections can sustain varying degrees of difficult emotions, and some connections can only hold positive interactions. Get a clear picture of your connections using the Concentric Circles of Connection Chart and create relationships where you BOTH matter.