5 Steps to Process Your Feelings So They Don't Mess Up Your Life
Stuffing our feelings (thinking that it’ll make things better) only BACKFIRE. In this post, you’ll learn what happens when you repress your emotions and the 5 steps to actually process your feelings and free up your focus and energy!
The Situation: Exhausted + Triggered
Here’s a personal example of a typical situation that happens to people who STUFF their feelings…
*spoiler alert - it’s about resentment*
A group of us were supposed to do our monthly hangout one Friday night. As most of us were the people-pleasing, “What do YOU wanna do?” types, eventually, the momentum fizzled out on ideas, and (as the primary planning-oriented, practical one) I took it upon myself to initiate what we do, when, and where (surprise, surprise).
(I always forget why I hate group projects.)
Anyway, it was a particularly busy week for a lot of us, and my co-lead was not feeling well physically, emotionally, and spiritually (very common for Empaths + Highly Sensitive Persons, as we also absorb all kinds of things from other people - here’s a blog with tips to wring out your emotional sponge).
Because she was at capacity, she told the group the day before that she wouldn’t be able to join the group hang.
As I too was over-capacity, when she brought this up in a meeting where other emotionally laden things were also brought up, my body shut down and defaulted into its usual NUMB + responsible mode.
“Well, if all these weighty things are coming up for a lot of people, and my co-lead is backing out, therefore I HAVE to show up, even if I’m also exhausted.
Other people depend on me. My needs don’t matter.”
(WARNING: This belief is a trap for responsible, conscientious, empathic types!! ABORT!!)
I sensed some feeling prickling in the meeting, but didn’t know about what in the moment because I FROZE and went into my autopilot damage control mode (‘tis my Enneagram Self-preservation 4 patterns of overly enduring + underly enjoying).
Out of habit, I kept my mouth shut and kept on keeping on.
Feelings: Resentment Brewing
Later that day, I went home STEWING, thoughts racing (Take notes! Pay attention to these signs):
“Why does SHE get to cancel?”
“Why do I have to do everything?”
“Why is it always on ME?”
“Why am I always cleaning up after others’ decisions?”
I went to bed restless, and woke up FUMING. The very first thing I did was to message my co-lead that I was feeling resentful and upset that she backed out of the group hang.
To her credit, she validated my frustrations while also NOT taking responsibility for it (good for her!!).
Instead, she (rightfully) said:
“You’re blaming ME because YOU didn’t set good boundaries for yourself. I advocated for what I needed. You could have done the same.”
Touché.
Immediately after the call with her, I texted the gals saying that I needed the night off.
I instantaneously felt lighter. The anger dissipated as soon as I advocated for myself and got my needs met.
(Ironically, once I also backed away, someone else advocated that we cancel the group hang altogether, saying that she too stretched herself too thin and needed rest.)
Moral of the story…IF ONLY we had an open conversation during the first group meeting to directly bring up our respective needs instead of people-pleasing or repressing our needs, I (and maybe also others) could have had a better rest of the day and a good night’s sleep.
Fortunately we were within the window of opportunity to do something different regarding our needs and to repair any ruptures, rather than stuffing our feelings for weeks or months – long past anyone’s ability to do anything about it.
Unfortunately, many of us do just the latter with our feelings:
Stuffing the feelings until we get exhausted
Losing our control anyway
Making a huge mess that maybe didn’t need to happen
Keep reading to learn how to process your feelings and keep yourself from making a BIG emotional splash that strains your life, relationships, and work!
When We Repress Our Feelings
Imagine your feelings as a huge beachball.
Just to be clear – the beachballs themselves aren’t the issue. Your feelings are trying to advocate for you, but only if you LET them.
How? The main purpose of your emotions is to tell you what you NEED. If we ignore our feelings, we’re going to be deprived of essential, life-giving experiences in life.
If you don’t learn how to deal with feelings and keep repressing them instead, these are some consequences that make hard things WORSE:
You spend more emotional + mental energy trying to keep it down
You OVER or UNDER eat, sleep, exercise, work, etc. to numb out
You create distance with your close people who want to help, but can’t because they don’t know what you need
You create more drama in your relationships because your repressed feelings leak out in unexpected ways
You be so disconnected from your own feelings that YOU might forget what you need
Like a dull knife, you have a hard time focusing on the tasks ahead of you. You focus less, make more mistakes, have less progress, and end up needing to work longer because you’re falling behind. On top of declining work performance, you have increasing shame and self-judgment.
All of this sets you up to have MORE issues (and MORE feelings!) to have to deal with
(Psst…this is called the Emotional Vortex. Here’s a 1-hour masterclass teaching you how to reverse the deadly cycle.)
When We Express Our Feelings
If you actually give room to your feelings and attend to them directly, here are what’s possible:
You’re freed up to be fully present for whatever’s in front of you
You feel peace, freedom, and openness
You can do what you WANT, not what you HAVE to do
You can address issues in real-time when you can make meaningful change and actually meet your needs + wants effectively
Like a sharp knife, there’s nothing else siphoning away your precious energy + focus, and you’re more able to be in your flow state.
The Nature of Feelings
Feelings are much like beachballs. Let’s consider some features:
1) Stuffing feelings doesn’t make them go away.
They just stay hidden until they show up front + center with that HUGE splash (often at the most unexpected + worst times). Stuffing your feelings? 0% effective.
(Yes, it does buy you time, but this is a time-bomb. Better deal with it sooner than later.)
2) Stuffing feelings consumes energy.
The deeper you stuff your feelings, the more energy it takes to keep it beneath the surface. You get tired, weary even.
3) Stuffing feelings keeps you occupied.
While you’re keeping your hands on the ball, what else are you NOT doing? You might also be missing out on other fun, relaxing, life-giving opportunities.
(I totally could have had a chill evening reading a juicy book or catching up on sleep!)
4) Stuffing feelings makes things messier.
It seems like you’re making things better by not causing ripples on the surface, but you’re making things WORSE for both yourself and others.
(Had I actually repressed my feelings further and gone to that hangout, I would have brought my gloom cloud or angsty energy that would have totally killed the mood anyway. What unnecessary stress would I have caused on others who feel like they have to figure out what’s going on, tiptoe around me, or be extra people-pleasing? What would have been the point of hanging out at all? LOSE-LOSE, no gain.)
5) Stuffing feelings keeps you hostage.
When you’re caught in an Emotional Vortex (stuff feelings → feelings fester → feelings go sideways → stuff MORE feelings), you can’t but keep reacting. The longer you’re in it, the more you get out of self-control.
Because it’s YOUR feelings (your beachball), you can’t stuff it OR leave it (don’t litter!!) – you’re stuck with it.
The only way to deal with an inflated beachball is to DEFLATE it (process your feelings).
5 Steps to Process Your Feelings
Let’s take a look at how to deal with feelings - deflate them - in 5 steps:
(1) Bring the beachball/feeling back up to the surface.
Check in with yourself, be honest, and acknowledge that you have feelings - even if you don’t know exactly what you’re feeling.
Reduce the energy that would be expended on keeping it beneath the surface.
(2) If it’s not a good time right this moment, let the beachball sit on the surface.
You DON’T have to face your feelings right away if it’s neither the right place nor the right time (e.g., in the middle of a meeting, at a family gathering, while you’re walking to your car at night).
For better or for worse, one trait that feelings have is that they don't have a time stamp. They’re asynchronous - the feeling might be about something that’s happening right now, happened a long while back, or MIGHT happen later if at all.
Use this to your advantage (but be warned again – time bomb!). Your feelings COULD wait at least a few hours longer, but just don’t run the gamble of delaying them so much that they HAVE TO make a splash to get your attention!
Grab The BIG Feeler First Aid Kit so that you can choose a better context to work with your feelings.
(3) Rest up! HALT + Sleep.
Your feelings are super important because they reveal something essential about:
Who you are
What’s happening to you
What matters to you
What you need + want
As such, they deserve your full attention. Sometimes when we’re already super exhausted, focusing on our feelings might accidentally further trigger us.
Generally, it’s a good idea to HALT and NOT proceed in making decisions if we are:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
Two of those are PHYSICAL needs (hunger + rest). Make sure those needs are met BEFORE you focus on trickier feelings that involve more focus.
There’s the saying, “Don’t go to sleep angry.” The spirit of that saying is to not build and stew on resentment and not address the issue (like I did).
BUT if you’re already so worn out and are so easily triggered (adding gas to the fire) - GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP. Then see how you feel in the morning.
(4) Pick up the feeling/beachball.
With an open mind and curious spirit, see what the feeling is about.
What are you feeling? (If you’re unsure, check the BIG 5 Feelings: MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, & NUMB. Sometimes you might be experiencing multiple feelings, even ones that point in opposite directions. Tease them out!)
When did this feeling start? What is this feeling about?
What’s this feeling saying about what you’re NEEDING?
(5) Process your feeling (deflate the beachball).
How can you get that need met?
Who is the appropriate person to meet that need? Options:
You yourself - practical needs (rest), existential needs (purpose, integrity)
Others - relational needs (company, support)
Either you OR others - practical needs (food, money, time)
Both you AND others - relational needs (intimacy)
Neither you NOR others (connection with someone who passed away, lost opportunity)
If the need CAN’T realistically or appropriately be met, this is the process of GRIEF. You *may* need support from a professional therapist to work through these feelings.
(If the need CAN get met) What are the next steps to get that need met?
Take action on behalf of yourself - study for your exam
Ask others for help
Rinse & repeat for each feeling.
What if my feelings are TOO BIG to process?
The size of your beachball might be so big (because of the sheer number of transitions, crises, or trauma) that you can’t possibly deflate it yourself without getting yourself and/or others hurt. (Imagine trying to deflate a hot air balloon.)
You definitely can’t make it go away or leave it - it’ll follow you wherever you go and create more trouble or drama.
You’re stuck until it’s deflated enough to make it portable.
You also can’t safely deflate it yourself - the sheer magnitude of energy release will knock you out.
If this is the case, reach out to a therapist near you who is trained and equipped to help you process your feelings safely and effectively. You are NOT weaker or lesser for not being able to process your emotions solo – we all need help.
Do NOT try to DIY this - doing so probably brought you here in the first place.
The Result of Processing Your Feelings
Imagine that your whole life, you’ve been lugging around 10 beachballs, losing your footing, unable to keep it together, causing unnecessary messes along the way.
Again, your feelings aren’t the issue. It’s that we avoid them and don’t let them do their job in helping us get our needs met.
Once we process the feelings (deflate the beachballs), we’ll be freed up to enjoy the richness of life, attending to each feeling as it comes up in real time and shows us not just what we’re needing, but also what we’re WANTING.
In the same way that we can get caught up in the vicious cycle of the Emotional Vortex, once we reverse that into a virtuous cycle of regularly getting our needs AND wants met (aka being in Emotional Flow), the life and relationships we’ve only dreamed up actually fall within our reach.
Instead of shoving your feelings underwater, harness the power of your feelings to propel you forward.
The BIG Feelings Masterclass
Want a more thorough overview of why feelings work the way they do?
Learn how to turn your soul-sucking emotional roller coaster into your life-giving power source with this 1-hour masterclass!
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© Copyright 2023 Joanne Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.