Anger and Guilt: The Emotions of RESPONSIBILITY and REPAIR
Usually, ANGER and GUILT are thought of as bad emotions. But in reality (and when practiced healthily), these emotions can strengthen relationships and bring people closer. Learn why AND how.
An Allergic Reaction to Anger
A big topic that comes up a lot in my therapy sessions with clients is ANGER. A lot of people that reach out to me have what I call an “allergic reaction to anger”.
When they experience anger themselves, or they are in front of someone else’s anger, they get overwhelmed. They usually have one of these reactions:
FLIGHT - they avoid or dance around anger.
FREEZE - they shut down.
FAWN - they get into a people-pleasing mode, shapeshifting or getting quiet so that they don’t get judged, criticized, or abandoned.
Unfortunately, the downside of UNDERLY doing anger is that it keeps us from experiencing what anger is actually meant for: RESPONSIBILITY & REPAIR.
Anger and Guilt are NOT Bad
When people think about anger, RESPONSIBILITY and REPAIR aren’t usually what comes to mind. Usually, anger is considered to be this big, explosive, destructive emotion that doesn’t really align with helping people to connect more deeply (btw, that’s the no.1 myth about anger!). Actually, it’s considered to lead to disconnection or destruction.
But ANGER paired with its cousin, GUILT, actually helps relationships become more strengthened. If we think about anger and guilt in terms of responsibility, the main message that anger is supposed to communicate is,
“YOU did something to negatively affect this outcome or relationship.
I hold YOU responsible to fix it.”
Healthy guilt says,
“I did something to negatively affect this outcome or relationship.
I hold MYSELF responsible to repair it.”
So anger and guilt, contrary to what people think about them, are not bad emotions. In fact, they’re supposed to be used to help RESTORE RELATIONSHIPS that have already been ruptured.
For example, let’s say you go over to a friend’s house. You’re talking to them and you turn around and you accidentally knock over their lamp. The lamp is shattered on the floor.
In that moment, you messed up. You broke their lamp. And so, the right thing to do because there is tension is involved, would be to say,
“I am so sorry that I broke your lamp.
Let me clean this up and get you a replacement.”
That act of you acknowledging you did something not okay would actually help strengthen your relationship because you are communicating to your friend,
“What belongs to you matters to me and I will do my best to try to restore that.”
On the other hand, let’s say the situation is reversed. Your friend comes over to your house, your friend turns and knocks your lamp and broke it. It’s on the floor in broken pieces.
Now, the right thing for them to do, because THEY broke YOUR lamp, is for them to say say,
“I’m so sorry I broke your lamp.
Can I clean this up and get you a new lamp?
I’m so sorry for inconveniencing you.”
In either case, if the party who is responsible for the rupture takes ownership of that and takes steps to repair it, all is well. The lamp is broken, but the relationship afterward is probably much stronger than it was before (before any broken lamps) because there’s TRUST involved.
Now going forward, if there is a scary or inconvenient thing that happened, each person knows,
“I will own my stuff, and the other person will own their stuff,”
extending more and more trust to each other to enter into scarier things, enter into VULNERABILITY, which brings greater INTIMACY.
Unhealthy Anger and Guilt
Now, here’s the kicker. Guilt and anger are not bad things; however, they are considered bad because people often see the unhealthy versions of them.
The unhealthy version of anger says,
“I did something to negatively affect this outcome or relationship,
but I hold YOU responsible to repair it.”
That’s called BLAME.
On the other hand, unhealthy guilt says,
“YOU did something to negatively affect this outcome or relationship,
but I hold MYSELF responsible to repair it.'“
That’s called SELF-BLAME.
So, anger and guilt are not the issues. The issue is when someone is held responsible for the repair when that person is NOT who’s really responsible or the person who caused the damage.
We don’t have to be squeamish about anger and we don’t have to try to avoid guilt either. The main thing with repairing relationships is that each person is able to acknowledge and see the truth for what it is, so that we can take steps to address a particular situation. The confusion comes about when there’s a MISMATCH between someone who’s caused an issue and someone who’s taking ownership and comparing it.
Between anger and guilt, what feels more familiar to you?
Most people who reach out to me (myself included) have an allergic reaction to anger. When anger shows up, we shut down or we pull away, etc.
Other people may have an allergic reaction to guilt. They generally may not prefer to feel like they’ve done something wrong. Instead, they like pointing the finger at other people and considering themselves as being entitled. Over time, their relationships will become strained because of their own lack of taking responsibility, not the other person.
Responsibility and Repair
When done well, anger and guilt can keep our relationships healthy and vibrant. Consider for yourself whether there is a MATCH or MISMATCH between who is held responsible and who is actually responsible.
If there is a MATCH, great! Do as the emotion says. If you broke the lamp, own it! If the other person broke your lamp, you have the right to be angry and hold them accountable. Don’t let them off the hook, they don’t get to walk all over you.
If there is a MISMATCH between the person held responsible and the person who is actually responsible, consider where that comes from. Oftentimes we immediately react to situations based on how we are brought up and how we’ve been trained to deal with difficult emotions like anger, fear, sadness, etc. This is a good chance to realign your feelings so that your life and relationships will be much smoother and more enjoyable.
The BIG 5 Feelings Chart
Not sure what to do when any of the BIG 5 Feelings show up?
Want to know what each of them mean about what you need?
Grab this free PDF chart that shows you what to do with MAD, SAD, GLAD, SCARED, & NUMB!
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© Copyright 2023 Joanne Kim. All rights reserved.
Joanne Kim, Feelings Translator
Hi! I’m a therapist-turned feelings coach who helps Highly Sensitive Persons, Empaths, Enneagram 2s & 4s, etc. turn their BIGGEST feelings into their GREATEST superpower!
They are often the first (or only) person in their family to intuitively process and express feelings; consequently, they are often judged or criticized so that they learn to people please, placate, or perform until they hit a wall.
They’re super familiar with anxiety, guilt, and shame, partly because of an allergic reaction to anger (theirs and others').
Often the super responsible, empathic, and ethical person in their environments, they reach out to me after they're already burned out, resentful in their relationships, or sucked into their shame spiral.
The most common feedback I get from people when I share about how feelings work is,
"Why didn't anyone teach me this in school??"
Hence, I am building a school helping people work WITH their feelings so their feelings work FOR them.